Hope for Life

Transplant

2011-09-25T20:48:00.000-07:00

29 Sept admission, Bone Marrow Aspirate.
30 Sept Chemo for 5 days
5, 6 Oct, rest days.
7 Oct transplant.

I am bald now. New hair is growing out but still dropping.
I have been resting at home for 3-4 weeks now. Enjoying time with my friends and love ones.
Feeling quite scared about transplant. Can only pray to Guanyin for an uneventful transplant and wishing that I can be discharged asap.

chemo cycle 2 day 4

2011-06-19T23:59:00.000-07:00

chemo started on friday. 1 pack of rituximab, 6 packs of cyclophosphamide so far. One IT done (spino chemo). My haemoglobin is 7.8 today (normal is 12-16) so I am in for a blood transfusion.

Hope all will be well.

it has been quite an adventure so far with me getting a CVC line and all. Overall I am still feeling fine.

Keeping my fingers crossed and praying everyday.

time flies

2011-06-10T02:57:00.001-07:00

night into day, day into night.

Just 3 more days and I need to go for my chemo and treatment.

I will survive this. I have to. There are too many things I want to do.

Kindness from everywhere

2011-06-03T03:21:00.000-07:00

The nurse who I knew since 2007 saw me again today. Her eyes show sadness when I told her I am going for a transplant. But she assured me that I am in good hands as Dr Yvonne is a transplant doctor and one of the best around.

She gave me a hug and told me she will pray for me.

I am so very touched and very blessed to know so many kind people around. Even the nurses are so kind to me.

I must win this battle.

freaking out

2011-06-02T05:01:00.000-07:00

I am getting into mild depression. It is thursday night already. Monday I will need to go in for chemo. A stronger one that is. I am so scared. I know the whole deal. I just do not know how bad it would be...

Freaking out.

Why can't I just be a normal 30 year old like everyone else?

My DNA mutated and I did not turn into X Man. What the heck.

What do I do when I am at home

2011-05-27T00:28:00.000-07:00

Ok something light hearted.

What do I do when I am at home recuperating

1) I will watch food blogs recipe videos. I am obssessed with watching food recipe videos, particularly from this guy call Chef John from Food Wishes.

http://foodwishes.blogspot.com/

I will then try some of those easier recipes or those where I have ingredients at home. They uses a lot of spices which I am unfamiliar with. Like cayenne. What does this spice taste like? Hmm I wonder.

2) Then I will go to look at my shares and hope that with my sheer mental strength, those shares I bought will go up. Yeah... practicing on my mental power.

3) Find random movies to watch. Any nice recommendations?

4) Scare myself silly by reading medical reports and statistics on my situation. But then I have to remind myself that those reports are based on people 30+ years older than me and in an ang moh environment.

5) I blog. I blog so much more now. Like I am having a written diarrhea. In a good way I hope.

6) Listen to heart sutras from youtube. I should try meditation soon. Ommmmm.

Dream

2011-05-26T01:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a good sleep and when I woke up, I thought I will be at home. But I was on the hospital bed. Like I am stuck in a dream I do not want to be in...

change in chemo regime again

2011-05-25T19:28:00.000-07:00

Did my CHOP chemo regime. Doctor Yvonne wants me to go through the ALL chemo regime 2 weeks later call Hyper CVAD + Rituximab, which is the stronger dose of CHOP. I also have to do IT chemo, which is low dose chemo injected into the spine gap to prevent the lymphoma from going into the brain.

Will be taking every day as it is and will be praying to Guan Yin and God of all universe for all the blessings and recovery.

I have a good doctor, emotional support from family, friends, and partner and my company.

The last is sheer determination to win which will come from me.

Please pray for me.

Richter's Transformation

2011-05-24T05:29:00.000-07:00

My CLL has gone through a richter's transformation and became large cell lymphoma, with CLL cells still in me.

Was devastated the first day. But now I'd decided to fight this with optimism.

A new chemo regime has been given to me and I am having chemo now as I speak.

Original regime is bendamustine and rituximab and I will not lose any hair

Now is a slightly more toxic R-CHOP regime and I will lose all my hair. Oh well. I take it as a free brazilian wax.

Post number 190

2011-05-20T06:55:00.000-07:00

Can I just say that putting a port (needle) into the vein is so bloody painful? I think it is more painful than a lot of things.

And I have to get ready for it next week. Hope my veins can take it and please don't collapse!! I do not want a hickman's line so soon! >_<

Thank you mum and dad!

2011-05-18T04:26:00.000-07:00

Really thankful to have supportive parents. My dad was with me the whole time when I did my day surgery on Monday. He even let me use his medisave! T_T

And my mum has just been cooking for me and have been so accomodating. And she did not nag at me when I go out to buy Starbucks just now! haha.

It is so important to have support from family members.

And of course, I have lots of love from my partner.

And my friends.

Thank you everyone!

Test number 1

2011-05-16T04:14:00.000-07:00

Doctor wants me to go through a lymph node biopsy to make sure my CLL did not go through Richter's Transformation, which is the process of CLL becoming lymphoma.

Anyway, she referred me to a colleague of hers, a very nice Dr Tay from ENT. He was very polite and patient and just plain nice. Very nice guy. I was too freaked out to really ask him questions and stuff.

Had a local surgery which lasted about 30 min long. Long, gruelling process. I could not feel the pain, just a little soreness and a lot of tucking and BURNING smell.
Now that the anesthetic is over, it is beginning to hurt in a dull, aching manner. I tried lying down in bed to rest, but there was so much pressure from my wound (at my neck area), that is is quite difficult to rest.

I am praying for a speedy recovery for this. It is really irritating me to no ends.

At least this is over and done with.

Counting Blessings

2011-05-11T07:27:00.000-07:00

And so, my doctor sent me an email today to tell me that the clinical trial is no go, and I have to go to do chemo this week.

To be honest, I am not mentally prepared. So I told her I only want to start on 19 May. Because that is the date given by my Feng Shui master... and it is also a date after Vesak Day, so I can do some praying before I get admitted to hospital.

Am I scared? Of course I am. But I always try to see this as just another trial for me. And always to count my blessings.

I was in SGH last Friday for a doctor's appointment and on my way back, I met a lady, maybe younger than me, in a wheel chair. She was alone and she was queueing to take the shuttle bus out of SGH. She needed help onto the bus and her legs were trembling a lot. The bus broke down on the next station, and we have to help her down the bus and onto her wheelchair again.

And I thought to myself, yes I have Chronic Lymphocytice Leukemia. But I can still walk and eat and meet my friends. In fact I am very fortunate to still be able to function as normal. There are so many unfortunate people out there and it is no time for me to be mopping and feeling sorry for myself. I know I am very fortunate to have my family, my partner and my friends, wishing the best for me.

And with that, I know I have to go through this trial with a positive mind and a strong heart.

Always learn to count your blessings. Because you will never know how lucky you are till you learn to be appreciative.

Blogging

2011-04-22T21:35:00.000-07:00

I had slowed down in my blogging mainly because there are more convenient network sharing devices nowadays. Like facebook. Plus I doubt anyone is reading my blog now.

But now, I want to write a blog again because I am going into a new phase of life.

I have decided to go for a transplant.

My CLL is back and this time with a vegence. The counts are increasing very fast, my lymph nodes are large and sometimes painful. I fall sick very easily and do not get well that quickly either. As compared to my state in 2008, this was quite bad. In 2008 before my treatment, I did not fall sick prior to my treatment at all. Even if I got flu, I recovered within 3 days. Now, I will have cough for 1.5 months. It is really torturing.

I think there is no turning back now. I need a cure. And the only cure known to me now is a transplant from my brother's stem cell.

However, this is a relatively dangerous because by transplanting someone else's stem cells into your body, it triggers a graft vs host disease, which in layman terms, means the 2 immune system will fight each other since they view each other as foreign and potentially killing your own body because of this.

I very much reckon this process as a resurrection sequence in a Phoenix life. In which, when the Phoenix comes to the end of its life span, it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young Phoenix arises.

A new life can arise, but the Phoenix has to go through the burning, the "test", the ordeal, before a new life can be form.

I will go through this with the peserverence of the Phoenix. and hope for the day of reborn. After all, Phoenix is known as the 不死鸟, and I know, I can live through this test.

Hoping for the best

2010-10-19T07:39:00.000-07:00

My bone marrow has been pretty actively producing lymphocytes. I hope it will take a rest and stop producing immature lymphocytes so rapidly. I really wanna remain looking like this, rather then ballooned up with my lymph nodes swelling everywhere.

Hoping for the best.

Live Strong

2010-09-19T07:36:00.001-07:00

You wouldn't know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have.

Lymphocytes, be good!!

2010-09-17T12:12:00.000-07:00

My lymphocytes count has gone up and out of the normal range. Doc reminded me that if I relapse, I have to go through 1 round of chemo then straight to stem cell transplant.

And it was only today I found out that I will get early menopause if I do stem cell transplant. OMG!! Luckily I am gay so I do not have to worry about fertility problem. But early menopause?? At 30+!? Gosh... I really wish that won't happen.

And she mention that one of the immunosuppressant drug's side effects is making you hairy. It is funny AND scary at the same time!

But well, I thought about it and decided that I have to keep fighting for my life or die trying. So I guess when I relapse, I will go for a stem cell transplant.

And till then, it is business as usual for me. Praying to become Manager next year. Crossing fingers now!

Love in Abundance

2010-04-05T07:52:00.000-07:00

We spend too much time with our colleagues and bosses and managers and subordinates. We spend too much time staring at word documents and excel spreadsheets than our lovers faces. We spend more waking hours trying to please our bosses than to love our partners.

With that limited time with our partners, we should be smiling instead of sulking. Communicating instead of arguing. Laughing instead of quarrelling. Hugging instead of fighting. Listening instead of ignoring. Inspiring instead of dismissing. Understanding instead of judging. Motivating instead of mocking. Encouraging instead of criticising. Loving instead of hating.

If only we all know how precious time is, how unpredictable life is... we will not be spending time getting upset with each other, but be spending time loving generously.

Cherish every moment. Love in abundance.

selfish

2010-02-24T08:27:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe I allow myself to actually believe I can rely on you. I was once again, proven wrong. But hey, what's new? I should have seen this coming since... er... mid last year?

It's funny how you drunk dial me and tell me you want to kill yourself and I never once tell you that you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe now I should.

Wasted emotional investment. I guess we cannot even be friends because I will be fully taken advantage of by you; and you... will not even serve your purpose as a friend... not even 1%

Flora had left us

2009-09-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

Flora left. On my birthday.

Do not know what to make of it. So many people had died. Shandy, Molly, Flora, Sarah, Carol...

I can't help but feel sad... and scared.

Good bye Flora. There's no more pain now. Only happiness, in heaven.

H1N1 Scare

2009-07-28T07:04:00.000-07:00

A leukemia patient passed away due to H1N1...

That is so scary.

If I ever get flu, I will definitely go and see doctor immediately. If H1N1 is not treated within 48 hrs, complications will arise.

So people, please do not take your flu lightly. Life is very precious

Life

2009-07-25T19:07:00.000-07:00

Will I just be satisfied with a measely paying job? Should I go out and look for something more, something more of my capacity and pays better?

For someone like me, someone with a condition, someone who ultimately needs to go through a transplant and 1 yr of recuperation, can I stil dream of climbing the corperate ladder and make a name for myself before my life is on hold again?

Career, family, love, friends. What kind of priority should I set for myself?

Happy gathering

2009-07-02T07:38:00.001-07:00

Had a pretty enjoyable gathering with my JC sisters today. Happy because this is the first time in my years of being with them that I tell them something about my relationship. The gay kind.

Sometimes I am just glad that they are interested and will listen. :)

After all, I lead a totally different life from them.

Much much love

2009-06-05T20:55:00.000-07:00

Went to see my doctor end of May and as usual, it was full of laughter and jokes. Before I leave, the nurse who had been with me through my CLL period (from the last doc to this doc) gave me a bag! Yvonne said that she only bought 2 bags, one for yvonne and one for me! And that I am the only patient she gave presents to!!!!

I feel so so so LOVED! I was really ecstatic, not because I received a present, but because I felt so blessed! I feel like there are so much love in this world and that even people who are there in my life due to their professions can give someone like me (just a "customer") so much love!

It is simply amazing. I am really blessed. =)

more threats

2009-05-13T06:29:00.000-07:00

More threats from my family.

Woke up at 5am to go toilet, then go check an email. Dad found me using the comp, think I had been using it till 5am. Told my mum. Mum got angry.
Dad told me when I got bk fr work "if you don't want to affect your mum's health, you shld..."

Emotional blackmail again.

I wonder whose health will deteriorate first with all these emotional black mail, mine or my mum's.

Mum what do you want from me exactly?

2009-05-10T02:30:00.000-07:00

And so my mum goes on with her usual nagging

"You do not know how to take care of yourself. You are so dependent of your parents. You do not know how to clean your room, wash your own clothes etc"

So mum. WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

Why not you STOP doing all these for me then let me learn to be independent? Just because I have a condition does it mean that I should be stripped of all these priviledges because when you guys are gone, I won't know how to take care of myself and WITHER AND DIE!?

And you say, FIND A HUSBAND AND HAVE A KID. THEY WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU

Seriously, dear readers. Is it logical? That a MAN will be able to clean my room, wash my clothes, take care of me!?

The more I think about it the more I get hurt. I am seriously upset. What do you want from me, mum!?? What exactly do you want from me?

Just because I have a condition does it make me any different from everyone else that I NEED THE CARE OF A MAN like I am some SICK FREAK!?

I dunno how to feel anymore I feel SO SICK OF LISTENING TO YOU SAY ALL THESE!

Please don't treat me like a sick person anymore please. Perhaps moving out will make you feel better and it will be better for my independence.

Pinkdot.sg

2009-05-07T08:45:00.000-07:00

Respect the freedom to love

The last hour

2009-04-18T20:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I really wish I know when I am going to die. Then I can take 3 yrs off before my death date and go do things I really wanted.

Like doing theatre again. Like travelling to all parts of the world. Like meeting up with everyone that had once crossed my path in my life. Like doing crazy things I know I won't get to do.

I wish I have all that time to enjoy everything, without worrying about finances at the end of it all...

Undergrad battle ALL

2009-03-19T03:07:00.000-07:00

This story kinda bring back some memories

http://theonlinecitizen.com/2009/03/undergraduate-battles-all-with-a-smile/

The needles in her veins and the way she have to push that machine around when she walk around, really reminded of my chemo adventure last yr.

Well, I supposed soon this lady wld have to have a hickman's line installed into her. It is safer and less troublesome than having to find and poke the veins again and again. But the ordeal of putting in the line is pretty scary. I didn't go thru that process. But i heard abt it and seen my roomies with it. But many told me that was the best invention ever, a hickman's line, for people who hate needle poking.

Well fellas, do get the donations for her coming @

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=72596300490&ref=mf

Eh and I always think donating blood it more useful, so please, anyone with blood type O, please contact NUH.

future

2009-03-13T20:42:00.000-07:00

my mum spoke to me abt some will issue. and that she was really worried for me that now I have CLL and she also know I am not going to get married, what is to happen to me in the future if both of them are not going to be around.

Sigh.

Sometimes I wonder the same. And sometimes I wonder shld I go find a man and marry off?

But that is a real silly thing to do. Ruining another man's future like this. At times I really wonder what will happen to me in the future. What if I grew sicker and is all alone?

I wonder will my brothers love me enough to take care of me.... (and sisters-in-law too......)

I have sore eye this morning

2009-02-27T18:22:00.000-08:00

Woke up in a state of panic cos I had sore eye on the right eye. When one had CLL and you been thru chemo, anythings like this scares you. Healthy people with normal immune systems will just see this as a normal infection. But for people with a compromised immune system, a little abnormal synthoms from your body could equates to something serious which could spin out of control to become something fatal. We get jumpy, a lot more jumpy than others about such things.

Anyway, went out late last night for a drink with my ex-colleagues whom I had not met for 2 yrs. My parents are now jumping into conclusions that I

1) had been eating rubbish outside

2) going out till late

thus I got my sore eye.

I on the other hand would try to convince them that it is because of all the germs in SGH that caused this infection. You really had to blame it on something that you cannot avoid AKA going for routine check up in a germs infested environment, than on your own lifestyle. Otherwise they would nag/persuade/coax/hoax you to change your lifestyle. Which at the very moment, I am just trying to lead a normal lifestyle like any other normal adult.

But sometimes it is so hard when you parents keep telling you that you are not a "normal" adult with "normal health".

I am trying very hard not to be different.

Being Practical

2009-02-21T10:30:00.000-08:00

Since I was diagnosed with CLL at the age of 25, I know I won't be able to live for a really long time. I presumed I will not pass my 50th birthday. And in a way, the length of my life is not a very big concern now. I just hope that when my time is up, I'll have a rather painless death.

That is the one main thing I wish for now.

Not trying to be pessmistic here. Just being practical about the situation. Being over-optimistic can be even more devastating when the truth hits you

Another star has fallen, but the glimmer of hope, shines on

2009-01-29T08:15:00.000-08:00

Shin has left us. This extremely brave and inspiring lady who had breast cancer has passed away, but her legacy, like Molly, like Shandy...lives on.

Shin left 1 comment on my blog before. And I will always remember her as the big sister figure in this fight of mine.

One day I will see them all in heaven. But in the mean time, I will live doubly hard for those who left.

Shin had donated her organs for researcg purposes. I decided that I should do the same in the future.

DBS CEO

2009-01-29T07:49:00.000-08:00

Guess everyone heard, DBS CEO was diagnosed with AML, Acute Myeloid Leukemia.
Apparently he was still working fine on Friday, then fever on Monday, 26th and on 27th he was diagnosed with AML. Super bloody fast moving leukemia. But in a way it's good too. At least we know he found it early. So treatment can be done immediately.

Cancer can be such a fast-moving, unpredictable bitch.

A single post of love.

2009-01-18T09:06:00.000-08:00

Shandy Sim had passed away for half a month now. And I think her death really impact me a lot. I can't stop reminising all the times we had in the bank together with everyone else.
Perhaps because my ex boss is also a fellow chemo girl, that's why it feels extra sad.

Someone wrote her a poem. I think it was so sweet. I kinda vaguely remember this guy. Think Shandy mentioned him before. Or it could also be that we met him at Shandy's party before. Anyway it's a very touching poem. So I am going to shamelessly link this entry of his on my blog.

Hope you guys enjoy it as much as I do.

Shandy... How is it up there in Heaven? There is no pain now, do sleep well.

http://kiwipang.blogspot.com/2009/01/shandy-sim-1978-2008.html

Live Life Abundantly

2009-01-02T08:43:00.000-08:00

Watched 7 Pounds today. And although I do not think what Tim did in the end is right, this movie certainly is very touching and meaningful.

It further enhance the fact that life is fragile, thus live life abundantly.

Though some of the medical issue was not really dealt with, eg bone marrow transplant can only be given to matching patient.... but nonetheless, I applaud the director and scriptwriter's creativity to come up with such a theme.

It certainly left me and my partner in tears. It kinda shook my world.

----

And so 2008 came to an end. Was at SGH this afternoon and learnt that Sarah, my neighbour in Ward 72 room 10 passed away in September or October 2008. I didn't know. In June/July, Sarah just went Phuket with her parents and we were still talking about food when we spoke on MSN after she came back from her trip. She was due to go for the next chemo treatment and I was due for mine. Met her in July and August but she was in a bad shape with her new chemo drug. Her skin darkened and she was vomitting non-stop.

Never will I ever imagine that she would just go like this... She was still so alive and enjoying life in June/July... And she was my neighbour, sleeping on the bed right next to mine... It kinda make me wonder if the new chemo drug killed her.

And so 3 of the people I knew had lost their life to cancer and gone to heaven. Carol and Sarah, my roomie in Ward 72, and my ex-boss.

Life can be tough and it can have it's painful moment.

But it's because of these very reason that made the happy moments in life even more precious and important. We must always remember to live life abundantly.

That's what year 2008 taught me

looking back 2008

2008-12-30T05:38:00.000-08:00

If you want me to describe 2008, I can only say it is a year full of unpredictable events.

I was asked to go through chemo, changed a specialist and did chemo that lasted 6 mths. I changed department. My CLL went away and I had a normal looking face again, something I could not quite remember for the past 1 yr.

My ex boss got cervical cancer stage 3 in June. Spoke to her on MSN and she was still strong and cheerful. Suddenly I never hear from her anymore and my ex colleague suddenly told me her sitution was bad. Were supposed to visit her but didn't manage to (maybe cos I was too scared), and before I knew it, she passed away on boxing day.

My JC friend got thyroid cancer and went for surgery. She was pregnant while all this happened but she is still so strong and positive. Her baby is due next Feb. After that she is going for another surgery.

Actor Chor Chew Meng got diagnosed with spinal muscular atrophy. I think everyone heard about him

2008 is a year which taught me that life is too unpredictable and it really can be very short. I no longer wish to plan for long term event, nor be very bothered about what is to come for the following year or next 5 years because seriously, life is about enjoying and appreciating the moment. No point planning and worrying about what has yet to come, for you never know if it will even come.

But having said that, I do not see 2008 as a bad year. On the contrary, I enjoyed 2008. I realised that there are so much love around. During chemo, so many people showered me with their love and concern. I feel really blessed. And after chemo, I feel so much better about myself and all aspect of my life. I really love my life now and appreciate everything and everyone.

I just need to kick that quick tempered bad habit of mine to be perfect. :3

Thus 2008 is a year for me to learn more about myself, and all the people around me. Those who really are concern for me and those who doesnt. And I can also roughly guess who will be the one who will cry for me during my wake if that day comes. I also learn to not take things too seriously and to let go and move on with the things we have no control over.

Dear friends who are still reading this blog. Thank you all for all the concern and love for the past year.

I love you all.

And she was called home to heaven

2008-12-26T23:31:00.001-08:00

I am really not sure what to blog at the moment.

The memories of you, boss, keeps flooding back.

Thanks for the guidance, and for every single thing you'd done when I was working under you.

Life is fragile, but you made your mark in life, that is something we know. We will always remember you.

Rest in peace, Shandy.

Hang in there boss

2008-12-16T06:58:00.000-08:00

My ex boss was diagnosed with ovarian cancer 3rd stage in June. She was fighting and going through radio and chemo for 4 mths before cancer got critical and spread to her kidney and last I heard, brain

I worked with her for more than a year and she always appear positive and is a tai tai looking girl. She was only 30 this year. A very successful woman, was a manager at a very young age, got a continental car and an apartment on her own at the age of 28. Then sold off the apartment and made about 50% - 70% profit from there.

We always say she is a very lucky person. But I guess life is really unpredictable. Too unpredictable. People can drink and smoke all their lives and not get a single illness in their lives, whil others can lead a really healthy lifestyle and kenna such things. Just when we think our boss had all the time in her life to enjoy all the profit she made....

Going to see her maybe these 2 days.

But I am very, very scared. For normal people, this may be just a visit to see an old friend or an ex colleague. They can sympathised with her but they can never empathised. For cancer warriors like myself, seeing a lighted candle, slowly losing it's light is an extremely scary thing.

I wish I have the courage to not shed any tears when I see her....

Cancer to be world's top killer by 2010, WHO says

2008-12-11T05:43:00.000-08:00

ATLANTA - Cancer will overtake heart disease as the world's top killer by 2010, part of a trend that should more than double global cancer cases and deaths by 2030, international health experts said in a report released Tuesday. Rising tobacco use in developing countries is believed to be a huge reason for the shift, particularly in China and India, where 40 percent of the world's smokers now live.

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So is better diagnosing of cancer, along with the downward trend in infectious diseases that used to be the world's leading killers.

Cancer diagnoses around the world have steadily been rising and are expected to hit 12 million this year. Global cancer deaths are expected to reach 7 million, according to the new report by the World Health Organization.

An annual rise of 1 percent in cases and deaths is expected _ with even larger increases in China, Russia and India. That means new cancer cases will likely mushroom to 27 million annually by 2030, with deaths hitting 17 million.

Underlying all this is an expected expansion of the world's population _ there will be more people around to get cancer.

By 2030, there could be 75 million people living with cancer around the world, a number that many health care systems are not equipped to handle.

"This is going to present an amazing problem at every level in every society worldwide," said Peter Boyle, director of the WHO's International Agency for Research on Cancer.

Boyle spoke at a news conference with officials from the American Cancer Society, the Lance Armstrong Foundation, Susan G. Komen for the Cure and the National Cancer Institute of Mexico.

The "unprecedented" gathering of organizations is an attempt to draw attention to the global threat of cancer, which isn't recognized as a major, growing health problem in some developing countries.

"Where you live shouldn't determine whether you live," said Hala Moddelmog, Komen's chief executive.

The organizations are calling on governments to act, asking the U.S. to help fund cervical cancer vaccinations and to ratify an international tobacco control treaty.

Concerned about smoking's impact on cancer rates in developing countries in the decades to come, the American Cancer Society also announced it will provide a smoking cessation counseling service in India.

"If we take action, we can keep the numbers from going where they would otherwise go," said John Seffrin, the cancer society's chief executive officer.

Other groups are also voicing support for more action.

"Cancer is one of the greatest untold health crises of the developing world," said Dr. Douglas Blayney, president-elect of the American Society of Clinical Oncology.

"Few are aware that cancer already kills more people in poor countries than HIV, malaria and tuberculosis combined. And if current smoking trends continue, the problem will get significantly worse," he said in a written statement.

___

So fellas, it is no longer a disease that only affect the old. It can happen to ANYONE at ANY AGE, so much so that it has become the number 1 killer.

Funny how I know many people who ain't smokers but got cancer.

Story about me

2008-12-06T07:37:00.000-08:00

I used to have a very close friend. We know each other since we were 13 and our friendship ended exactly 10 years later. We were very close, at least I treated her as a very close friend. So close that I became rather possessive (not in a romantic way though, i swear). Me, her and another close friend of ours are always hanging out together. We went to Indonesia, HK, Australia together and we stay in the hostel together. We were very close friends.

But perhaps being close friends also mean we get to know the person's character, from strength to weaknesses.

Always tactless and straightforward, my character is a total clash with her tactful, careful character.

In uni, we had many conflicts and I guess we hurt this friendship a lot with my words and her actions.

The year I graduated, we fell out. She went to become a singer and I dropped my hopes of becoming a theatre practioner and became a civil servant.

I had always thought that our friendship can withstand the trial of all this. I always believed that we will be friends again.

I kept this hope close to me, till the year I got cancer.

Our common close friend told her about my news. My friend hoped that she would at least be willing to meet me. But no, she is still impartial about it. It was cancer for god's sake. At the age of 25. Your friend who spent close to half your lifetime with. But it all does not matter to her.

10 years of friendship. And nothing can changed her mind when she decided to cut this friendship.

The week before I was hospitalised for test before chemo, we finally met up. I thought we can finally mend this friendship and hopefully, start afresh. But when I was hospitalised, till I was discharged, never once did she sms me to ask how was I. Our common friend was upset for me, because it was only when she mention about me to her that she asked about me. Her reason to this friend of ours is that she is concern but prefer to ask her instead of me.

For years I held on to the hope that we can forget about the past and be friends again. Even if it is not close friends, just being normal aquintance would suffice. But I guess 10 years of friendship means nothing to her.

The day before my chemo is the day I gave up totally for this friendship. I never cry again nor did I get myself angry again. I even forgotten that she existed in my life sometimes.

As for what I did that made her so upset that she can be so heartless till she wouldnt even see a friend who has cancer.... well seriously I am not sure. I certainly didn't steal her boyfriend, neither did I steal her job. When I think about it, the magnitude of what I did to her, shouldnt be so great as to cutting off a 10 year friendship

I'd finally come to terms with the fact that, it is easy for her to end a friendship as much as she want to start one. She will cherish it when she has but when it is over, there is no turning back for her.

I wish her all the best in the singing career. Guess we will never meet again in this lifetime of mine.

Signing the AMD form

2008-11-26T06:36:00.000-08:00

Many may not know of AMD, Advance Medical Directive act. An AMD is a legal document that a person signs to indicate that he does not wish to have any extraordinary life-sustaining treatment to prolong his life in the event he becomes terminally ill and unconscious.

so far, only about 10 000 Singaporeans had signed this. Most people does not even know this exist. I did not know either, till I watch the talk show "Women on Top" today, and decided to take a look at the form from MOH website.

Decides that I will get it signed eventually. For what they say in the talk show makes sense. I certainly do not want to be a burden when I am terminally ill. And I certainly want to die a dignified death. So I am going to sign this.

As someone who think Singapore should legalised euthanisia, AMD is the next best thing for terminally ill patients. Shortens the pain and let patients go off more peacefully.

ANyone interested in AMD can go to MOH website or have a look at the form here

http://www.moh.gov.sg/mohcorp/uploadedFiles/Forms/AMD_form/FORM1AMD(270905).pdf

Some test

2008-11-18T08:24:00.000-08:00

Name: Fayth
Date: 11/18/2008
Colorgenics Number: 61435207

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Enough is enough - and you feel that you've had enough for a while. You don't need any more battles. You just would like to be able to shout 'stop' and experience a little peace and calm - even if it be only for a little while. This doesn't mean that you need to cut yourself off from the rest of the world - it just means that you are seeking some respite, some physical or emotional relaxation that could release some of the the tension and possibly reduce the internal conflict.

Of late, everything seems to be going so slowly - far slower than you anticipated - and this is causing you much anxiety and frustration. It would appear that there is little you can do about the series of events that now seem to be taking place. In spite of the fact that you feel like 'giving up' - don't. Take a deep breath and start over again and you will find that eventually the expression 'All's well that ends well' will have an extra special meaning for you.

You feel that you deserve far more than is being attributed to you, but there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offence, but as matters stand you realise that you will have to make the best of things as they are.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You need to be needed and would like a situation where you will no longer be subjected to pressures and demands from those about you. There is no harm in 'dreaming' but it is you - and only you - that can be able to realise those dreams and to turn them into reality.

---

WOW OMG
SO TRUE!!!

Red Shit

2008-11-15T08:47:00.000-08:00

Caution all beetroot lovers! Beetroot gives RED SHIT! (sorry to be gross). I had diarrhea just now and thought I was passing out blood. Thank goodness for internet cos I found out that beetroot causes red colored stools, otherwise I will be running to SGH and putting through all sort of test just to find out that... it's cos of the damn beetroot.

The end

Life Transformers

2008-11-10T08:40:00.000-08:00

Was watching channel 8 Life Transformers today and I felt really upset and sad and devastated for the family. Wanying is around the same age as me but 6 yrs ago, she got very high fever for 2 weeks due to brain infection 1 month before her 21st birthday. It damages her brain and since then, she could not function like a normal person. The parents are using so much time to take care of her cos even the basic things like swallowing she has trouble doing.

I really teared while watching this. You know, compare to her condition, I would really be consider as lucky. Sometimes when I look at youngsters complaineing about life, wasting their life away in cigarettes and alcohol, I really wonder do they ever know how lucky they are. Such nomalcy of life can be stripped away just by a single fever or a single accident. Do people nowadays really appreciate what they have and the people around them? Life is so beautiful but sad to say, most people won't learn to appreciate till something happened to them.

My JC friend was diagnosed with thyriod cancer recently. Went through and operation and taking MC at home now. She did a bit of reflecting and realised that she should really just be happy with life's simple things. Like eating a bowl of bak chor mee with her husband. I guess I also had that kinda revelation when I was first diagnosed. And especially now, after going through 1 round of chemo, it made me love myself even more. I really truly love myself a lot now. I appreciate how I look because I know how I can look worse with my lymph nodes swelling. I appreciate my energy level now, because I know how lethargic I could get when my white blood count was high. Sometimes it's such things that made you appreciate life a little more. Sad but true.

Sometimes, such events in life are like a revelations. Perhaps that is the reason why such things happened.

The world needs change, change is now

2008-11-05T08:34:00.000-08:00

On December 1, 1955 in Montgomery, Alabama, a black woman by the name of Rosa Parks refused to obey bus driver James Blake's order that she give up her seat to make room for a white passenger. She was subsequently arrested for her defiance. This incident sparks off the Montgomery Bus Boycott.

The boycott resulted in the U.S. civil rights movement receiving one of its first victories and gave Martin Luther King Jr. the national attention that made him one of the prime leaders of the cause.

In Washington, 1963, a prominent American Civil-Rights activist, Martin Luther King Jr delivered his "I Have a Dream" speech.

Extract:

I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

On April 4, 1968, Martin Luther King Jr was was assassinated in Memphis, Tennessee. After King was assassinated, rioting broke out in 125 cities across the United States. At that time, it was impossible to imagine that one day, United States of America will have a black president.

But today, an important chapter of history had been made. Obama Barack became the first African American president of US, 50 years after the assassination of Martin Luther King. He proved that anyone can pursue the American dream, regardless of your age, gender, race, nationality or sexual orientation.

He represents change and hope. He represents the new era.

And the world needs change. And the change is now.

A new era has began. The man who made it happened is Obama.

I AM A SPOILT PATIENT!!!

2008-10-31T07:41:00.000-07:00

I had the most pleasant BMA (bone marrow aspirate) today. :)

I really have to take my hats off my doc. She really have the right technique to keep the crybaby in me in check. I registered for my BMA and was told to come back 45 min later as the MO is not here yet. So I came bk after 45 min and was told that Yvonne was looking for me.... I had like the nurses, the tech staff, even the cleaner telling me that my doc was looking for me to do my BMA. Most probably she was too fed up with my constant whining of my last traumatic BMA, she decides to get her hands dirty with my blood *cough cough* er hem. But she really do not have to do that. She was running late for her meeting and yet she did the BMA for me. A consultant.... doing BMA for patients... which was supposed to be a medical officer job. It's amazing. I love my doctor :)

Anyway, it was a fun experience. I requested for a female nurse this time, who was one of my fav nurse, Li Sack to help me. She was really funny and helpful. And the tech staff (who had a really unique name Blanche) who was there to check the BMA equipment was really friendly too. First time I met her and already she was chatting with me like I was an old patient of hers. Anyway, 3 women in a room = noisy market. They were chatting with each other like they were talking over lunch. And me is their "lunch". Yvonne was like poking my bone and chatting with the other 2 ladies talking about really funny stuff. Was trying very hard not to laugh. It wont be funny if the needle poke through more than it should while I laughed.

Anyway, it was a pleasant experience. I was laughing before, during and after the BMA, I think it really relaxed the auntie outside waiting for her turn for her BMA. Well, sad to say, I was Yvonne's last patient. Then the MO took over. Hope the auntie was fine. *sweats*

Joanne: Can you leave a comment on ur email and I will get back to you. Promise won't expose ur email. ^^

Uninsurable

2008-10-29T08:25:00.000-07:00

My insurance was throw out because I had the lump before I got my insurance, though my nodes were swollen for really quite some time. ANd seriously, who would have declare a swollen node when you have been reading on papers about fever causing nodes to swell?

So anyway, insurance throw out, I am uninsurable. I can't get a single cent.

Friday I have another bone marrow biopsy.
I don't want to cry again for myself but sometimes it is really so hard not to.

Help needed

2008-10-17T07:29:00.000-07:00

Someone's bro, only 17 this year, needed platelet donation badly.

Not a joke OBVIOUSLY

His blood type is A+.

Please help. Go to SGH block 7 level 2 (Haemotology centre, which is like my 3rd home already) and request for a screening. Please also request that you are donating to FUK KAR WAI.

Help please! And please spread the word

Thanks

Sad news

2008-10-13T06:04:00.000-07:00

A room mate of mine, one of the patients that shared the room with me when I first got admitted into hospital passed away. Only knew it last week from another room mate of ours. This lady is at most 30+, and had ALL (acute leukemia). Did a stem cell transplant, but platelets keep dropping. The medicine didnt work on her and she can only rely on a drug that is still on clinical trial in the States. Heard that she has lung failure and passed away...

Quite a shocking news... Now I know what Lishan mean when she says that her circle of combats in cancer fighting become smaller and smaller as the days went by.
I am now pretty worried about Sarah, the other room mate of mine. Sms'ed her last week and till now, no reply.

I wish she is just too happy and well or maybe enjoying herself travelling to reply me.

The End

2008-10-10T01:36:00.000-07:00

40 Packets of chemo drugs, countless times of setting plug, 6 months of therapy, 7 times of puking (approximately), 3 times of constipation (approximately), 1 back ache so bad I cannot bend down, 60 days of MC later, I had finally finished my chemo!!!

Originally I am supposed to have 42 packets of chemo drugs. But I was having running nose on my last day so my doc decides to end my misery earlier by omitting the last dose of fludarabine and cyclophosmide.

Happiness!

:D

Toxin

2008-10-08T07:36:00.000-07:00

Today I ask the nurse why do they have to wear protective gear (robe, gloves, mask, googles) when giving chemo. She said it's because some chemo are very toxic and may burn the skin if touched with bare skin. That is also why when infusing chemo, they must make sure they check blood backflow to make sure the needle is in the vein, cos if the needle went out of place and into the flash, the chemo drug will burn the skin, causing infection

This kinda shocked me cos.... such a toxic drug and we are pumping packets of it into our veins. It's really gross and freaky when I think of it...
Not trying to discourage chemo here, just feel that if you ever have relatives that has terminal cancer and don't have much years to live, if the doctor give a go ahead for no chemo, do not encourage them for chemo. Such a powerful toxin going into your already weak body may not help in killing the cells, but might further deteriorate the body...

Just a thought.

Last Round

2008-10-05T00:02:00.000-07:00

It is round 6. I am pretty much back to normal life and sometimes forgetting I even have CLL.

Good and bad I guess. Live life to the fullest and hope for the best in life. Last round already. One more round of flesh poking, drug dripping, medicine popping days and it will all come to a halt.

I am looking forward to that. :)

F1!!

2008-09-26T11:00:00.000-07:00

I am going tmr and sunday's F1 race. :D
Once in a life time experience begins here. XD

Round 5!

2008-09-12T21:19:00.000-07:00

Nausea, headache, fatigue. I think I feel worse this round than the last

Wish it can be over soon. :/

if you hate me so much why read?

2008-09-09T03:08:00.000-07:00

Some fuck ass have been leaving anonymous comments about me being a lesbian (thinking all lesbians are butches) and sending a lot of hate

Seriously, if you hate my blog so much, why read? And it is amazing how you are the FIRST person to comment to my new entry, like some faithful reader, hurting others and finding joy in it. You must have too much time to spare, why not go do something useful and make your life a better one?

Comments are now all back to Non annonymous due to this fuck ass.

If you want to screw somebody's life, screw your own. Fuck off my blog.

These high and almighty "straight" people only know how to bully the minorities behind a hidden farcade, thinking they own the world. But you know what, fuck ass? You don't rule the world. The world is make up with all kinds of people and know what? Maybe one day your kid will be gay too. Don't hate so much. What goes round, comes round.

Why are there such assholes around in this world, who build their own joy on other people's unhappiness?

Wedding SOP - The Biggest Wayang of Any Married Couple's Life

2008-09-07T09:16:00.000-07:00

Everything in Singapore is organized and routined. The standard education, standard growing up process, standard working lifestyle. Even your "biggest event in your life" also must have a standard SOP.

Well, since it is supposed to be the most special day of your life, why is everyone having the standard SOP for weddings? I don't think I attended many weddings in my life, but I can already memorised wat is to come for a simple wedding banquet.

First the reception, everyone sign the guest book and give the ang pao.

Then we get seated, watch some collages of wedding photos being played on powerpoint while waiting for the rest of the guests.

After everyone has seated, we get to watch a "from young to now" video on how the bride and groom looks like as kid and their growing up process to them meeting and them going on holidays ETC ETC.

Thereafter, the emcee will ask the guest to stand for the couple. Machiam like president come like that. Then they gets to march in while everyone is just clapping their hands to "eng xiu" them, while getting impatient for the food.

Then, the lights will dim and some super drama music will go off while the waiters bring the starters out like it's some kinda special weapon that can save the world from aliens.

After eating, we will have to stand once again for the ~~president~~ couple to march in and prepare for the toasting ceremony. All brothers and sisters and relatives and ah kow ah meow all go up to yam seng. usually the yam will be very long and the seng is almost non existent cos everyone wrong timing to seng.

Then the couples make their way to take pix with guests at every table, some of the guests the bride and groom doesnt even know. :/

Someone cheesy will then be asked on stage to force the bride and groom to come on stage to do silly things. Like the bride have to eat a banana from the groom's crotch or something. Biggest day of your life, humiliated in front of 500 people. Some whom you don't even know and have no idea why they are even there at your wedding.

After all those wayang, the couple have to rush to the door to shake hands with everyone like some minister on country visit.

Why people???
Why must ALL weddings be like that? Why can't we just have a beach party wedding, where everyone just wear shorts and bikini top and dance to the music. The food will be buffet style and there will be free flow of booze. Erdinger or hoegarden, nothing less. Then only CLOSE relatives, friends and colleagues are invited, not some random ah kow ah meow that are your parent's friends. It is YOUR wedding, not your parents'. They had have their fair share of wayang, let you have a say in what kinda wayang you want, can't they?

Gosh. Weddings are such wayangs. I wonder do these people ever get embarassed going through such SOPs...

Next week round 5

2008-09-02T11:08:00.000-07:00

I can't wait to finish up the whole 6 cycles.

I am loving every moment of my life. :)

It's great to be alive and living as a healthy being.

Run for Hope (Terry Fox Run)

2008-08-25T10:06:00.000-07:00

It is here again folks. The run to raise awareness and funds for cancer research.
Do participate. You do not need to even be there to run. Just participate and donate.

http://www.runforhopesingapore.org/

Come and join run for hope! I will be participating (monetary wise) too! :D

For you do not even know me AKA 2006

2008-08-25T10:02:00.000-07:00

On my birthday 2 years ago, I still had not found that I had CLL. But my birthday wasn't a pleasant one. I was supposed to go for an operation on the 30th of August to remove the lump under my chin so that birthday was spent quietly. I had also just "split up" with the one I was dating, so it was quite a sad, lonely birthday.

I wouldn't say 2006 was a time of sadness. I wouldn't also say 2006 is a unlucky year. For the first half of the year was great. I was never the office girl sort. Not sitting in the air con room letting my sight get short by the four walls. I was in mobile sales. Working 7 days a week, till late into the night. Meet tons of people from all walks of life and work with the greediest of people around, some with no ethics whatsoever. But I also meet nice people. Nice people from creative industry who taught me that even if you earn a lot, your life is only worth this much if you have no humility for others to respect you with. It was a satisfying job. It was that year that I was recognised for my work, went to Bali for a retreat for the top sales person in my company, earn quite a bit of commission and living my life in slight luxury. It was the year I met R, fell deeply in love with her. Had a really great time dating and having fun with all her friends.

Then the 2nd half of the year came. I decided to stop ignoring the signs and go see a doctor for the lump under my chin. Test after test, and an operation. It was at this half of the year, 3 weeks before my birthday that R told me we can only be friends. It was good. Cos she will never be the sort that can accompany me through this rough patch of my life.

Then in december. I got back in contact with my friend of 6 years. She was amazingly nice and caring. She accepted me for who I am and even though I brought with me a tough life ahead. She accepted all that and in 2007, we got together.

SO perhaps 2006 wasn't all too bad. It is a year of ups and downs but sometimes it is such life events that made you think "Life is worth living".
I truly think life is beautiful. And I wish I can live as long as I can because there are just so many things to see.

23 August

2008-08-22T17:06:00.000-07:00

I started my celebration early this year. My friends I know from my current company treated me to Sun and Moon. :)

Then on friday, my colleagues have a standard SOP for birthday and they celebrated my birthday for me with a cake. :)

Friday was such a hectic work day. I worked till 8pm and even thought of coming back to work on my birthday. haha.

Today, I will be celebrating with my geek friends at Da Paolo, then with my Jappy friends at Natsu Matsuri! I am going to be wearing a pink Yukata! XD

Tomorrow, I am going to play basketball with LQ and have lunch after that.

My partner sent flowers to my office on friday and totally embarrased me. >_<
Everyone is teasing me. But I am happy to get the flowers. They're beautiful. :)
She is also going to Natsu Matsuri with me. I have not plan anything yet for tonight, but I hope we have fun. :)

Remission

2008-08-19T03:22:00.000-07:00

From the scan, the bone marrow aspirate and my count, my doctor has declared that I am in remission!

WHOOOO HOOOOO!!

My doc also mention that the MO did not extract enough bone marrow from me and ask if there was any difficulty. After telling her what happened, she said that the MO had been receiving complaints from her patients as well. Hmmm. I wonder if he is really that bad or is it that we had all been spoilt by Yvonne that is why we think he suck at bone marrow biopsy.

:/

Back to work tmr!

My birthday is coming this week. OMG 27 years old! I am getting freaked out and nowadays Chinese New Year is like a nightmare to me. I remember the last CNY where my relative whom I only meet once a year keep pressing me on when I am getting married. It annoys the shit out of me. I really think by the age of 30, I have to start going on holidays to avoid CNY. >_<

Why you shouldn't be out on the Saturday after chemo

2008-08-15T22:59:00.000-07:00

I think chemo has become such a routine for my family that my mum asked me if I wanna have lunch at home when I woke up this morning. She seems to have disregard the fact that I finished chemo just 2 days ago and perhaps going out will render me vulnerable to random bacteria and viruses.

And certainly, I wouldn't want to be out on the weekend after chemo.

I certainly wouldn't want to be gacking while watching Love Guru in cinema.

Neither would I want my stomach to be churning while having dinner at Tampopo.

And I certainly don't want to suffer from constipation whil there is a queue waiting impatiently outside the bugis junction toilet.

I also wouldn't want people to see the needle mark and bruises on my arm or they might think I am a drug addict.

I don't want my knees to go weak while chasing for the next bus to The Central.

Neither would I want to be breathless while fighting with 100 other sale hungry women in Mango.

So certainly, going out on the Saturday after chemo is a no no. I am eating in today, mum!

Cry Me a River

2008-08-11T02:00:00.000-07:00

Had my bone marrow biopsy done today by a medical officer and the one helping him is a male nurse. Male nurse seems to be very impatient and doing things in a rush. MO seems to be very rush for time and saying that the male nurse is not being efficient enough.

This is how the procedure is supposed to be like...

So 2 very impatient person was assigned to do a very unpleasant bone marrow biopsy for me. Great. Honestly, I would prefer a female nurse because they are really much more considerate and would really hold your hand to console you. The male nurse just hold me down like some kinda prisoner.

First the anesthetic. MO asked me if he should give me 10ml of anesthetic or 15ml. I wish he could make up his mind on this. I jerked when he was about to give me the injection. In no way was I trying to not cooperate, but that is a very normal physical reaction. I was scared and it was ticklish... The MO told me to stop moving, saying I almost made him prick his finger... Anyway, he gave me 10ml of anesthetic and for some reason, he had to describe the whole procedure to me, telling me that he is giving me an injection now, the needle has now reached my bone and he is injecting the anesthetic.

I was freaking out by now. Though this was not my first bone marrow biopsy, I was still really afraid. The last BMB done by Yvonne was pleasantly smooth because she and the nurse was chatting with me throughout, talking about the other MO who was my JC classmate. But this MO... all he talked to me about is how the needle is now at my bone and that because I seems to have a low pain threshold, he is going to give me a SECOND anesthetic injection, which the first already hurt like crap. I wonder why don't he just give me 15ml and get it over with the first time.

Then, he had to go on and tell me that he will start drilling into my bone and I will feel the grinding.... Good job, doc! You successfully freaked your patient out big time! Tears just rolled out of my eyes uncontrollably, not just because of the pain from this dreadful procedure, but also because I am starting to feel sorry for the state I am in. I just kept crying. Non stop. I couldn't control myself because I was in such a state of pain, fear and discomfort that I couldn't help my self pity.

And I cried. From the MO's, "I am now going to do the biopsy, you'll feel the suction," to the, "okay, now the biopsy, just hang in there alright?" I was crying throughout.

It is such a wussy incident, cos I remember the auntie and Carol, my room mate in the ward, both had their BMB done without making a sound. But then again, Carol's BMB was done by Yvonne and the auntie's BMB was done by my friend MO... who was quite a nice chap.

Sigh, I am not trying to complain about the MO. But sometimes I guess Singapore system is such that you have so many patients till you become oblivious to the pain and fear a patient go through.

And after that, I had chemo. It was such a terrible experience because all I wanted to do at that point of time was to go home and rest. And then the nurse came to set my needle port. Failed the first time cos my vein decides to be naughty and wiggle away. T_T

So it is really a painful monday. The next time I have BMB, I will really request my doctor to do it for me. Cos I know she is prone to talking crap while doing BMB, she can make the whole atmosphere more relax for me. ANd no more male nurses for BMB please! D:

Round 4! FIGHT!

2008-08-10T11:25:00.001-07:00

Tmr is round 4 + bone marrow biopsy. Can I pontang for both? Hahaha.

In that inch, we are alive again

2008-08-07T09:14:00.000-07:00

Valerie's Letter ~ V for Vendetta

don't know who you are. Please believe. There is no way I can convince you that this is not one of their tricks. But I don't care. I am me, and I don't know who you are, but I love you.

I have a pencil. A little one they did not find. I am a women. I hid it inside me. Perhaps I won't be able to write again, so this is a long letter about my life. It is the only autobiography I have ever written and oh God I'm writing it on toilet paper.

I was born in Nottingham in 1957, and it rained a lot. I passed my eleven plus and went to girl's Grammar. I wanted to be an actress.

I met my first girlfriend at school. Her name was Sara. She was fourteen and I was fifteen but we were both in Miss. Watson's class. Her wrists. Her wrists were beautiful. I sat in biology class, staring at the picket rabbit foetus in its jar, listening while Mr. Hird said it was an adolescent phase that people outgrew. Sara did. I didn't.

In 1976 I stopped pretending and took a girl called Christine home to meet my parents. A week later I enrolled at drama college. My mother said I broke her heart.

But it was my integrity that was important. Is that so selfish? It sells for so little, but it's all we have left in this place. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free.

London. I was happy in London. In 1981 I played Dandini in Cinderella. My first rep work. The world was strange and rustling and busy, with invisible crowds behind the hot lights and all that breathless glamour. It was exciting and it was lonely. At nights I'd go to the Crew-Ins or one of the other clubs. But I was stand-offish and didn't mix easily. I saw a lot of the scene, but I never felt comfortable there. So many of them just wanted to be gay. It was their life, their ambition. And I wanted more than that.

Work improved. I got small film roles, then bigger ones. In 1986 I starred in "The Salt Flats." It pulled in the awards but not the crowds. I met Ruth while working on that. We loved each other. We lived together and on Valentine's Day she sent me roses and oh God, we had so much. Those were the best three years of my life.

In 1988 there was the war, and after that there were no more roses. Not for anybody.

In 1992 they started rounding up the gays. They took Ruth while she was out looking for food. Why are they so frightened of us? They burned her with cigarette ends and made her give them my name. She signed a statement saying I'd seduced her. I didn't blame her. God, I loved her. I didn't blame her.

But she did. She killed herself in her cell. She couldn't live with betraying me, with giving up that last inch. Oh Ruth. . . .

They came for me. They told me that all of my films would be burned. They shaved off my hair and held my head down a toilet bowl and told jokes about lesbians. They brought me here and gave me drugs. I can't feel my tongue anymore. I can't speak.

The other gay women here, Rita, died two weeks ago. I imagine I'll die quite soon. It's strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and I apologized to nobody.

I shall die here. Every last inch of me shall perish. Except one.

An inch. It's small and it's fragile and it's the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it, or sell it, or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.

I don't know who you are. Or whether you're a man or a woman. I may never see you or cry with you or get drunk with you. But I love you. I hope that you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better, and that one day people have roses again. I wish I could kiss you.

Valerie

This is the best film I had ever watched. And this part, is my favourite. During the petition of 377a, when there are tons of vehement insults and derogatory terms about gays flying around, especially from religious people, I wonder, "Why are they so frightened of us?"

We are not ashamed. As long as we have that inch, we are alive. For that inch, we fight. No one can take it away from us.

Day 24

2008-08-06T20:23:00.000-07:00

Another 4 days to cycle 4. How time flies. But then again, that also means that I am 2/3 to finishing this dreadful process.

This cycle will be pretty challenging, because I am going to have my bone marrow biopsy and chemo on the same day. Double whammy.... literally.

But life has been kind to me all this while. I do not have adverse side effects. My hair is till in tact. So I guess the pain is just a little price to pay to get rid of the nodes and the little CLL all in my body.

To be honest, I do not think of the future much anymore. I do not think about wanting to have a house, wanting to have what kind of family in the future. I guess I stopped hoping and stopped expecting of such sort. Life is so short, so transient. I think all I want to do is enjoy the moment. I know I will never going to have a normal family life like the social norm. I go against the social norm. And now, all i can do is take one step at a time, with my partner, hand in hand, and be happy for every day that I am alive.

No it is not a hoax

2008-08-03T10:25:00.000-07:00

:)

PS: The red tiny dot on my hand is the mark of the needle stuck into my flesh for CT scan on sat. It hurts like hell for it to be inserted and it hurts like hell when the contrast was pumped in. SGH's CT scan is horrible. I dun even feel so horrible when I had that done in TTSH

Constant Cravings

2008-07-31T02:25:00.000-07:00

Wednesday was a really sad day. My backache took a turn for the worse and I can't bend down to pick things up. At one point, I cant even brush my teeth properly cos I cannot bend my back. Sad thing number 1.

Sad thing number 2. I booked 2 tickets for a romantic Bintan trip with my partner at Nirwana Hotel Resort for my birthday. 3 hours after I booked my tickets and paid it with my credit card, my mum told me that my dad forbids me to go to Bintan.
You dunno how heart broken I was. I had not been on any overseas trip since the year I was disgnosed (2006) and now I can't even go for a really short trip to celebrate my birthday. :(

Felt really depressed and my mood came to an all time low this morning (Thursday) when I woke up with the pain in my back, showing no signs of it getting better.

Took urgent leave and went to see my doc, Yvonne at SGH. Had my blood taken and after 2 hours of waiting, I finally get to see her. She said the back pain was most probably not caused by the chemo or the neulastin shot. Kinda suspected it was the push ups I did on Sunday that led to this torture. All I did was six.... SIX miserable push ups! And to think I used to be a sports person in combine school team. Sigh

Anyway, my "depression" was short lived as I get over things relatively fast. Plus my friend offered an "alternative" to my birthday trip, that is to go Natsu Matsuri!!!

Natsu Matsuri is an annual summer festival organised by Japanese Association and held at Japanese School at Tanah Merah. In Japan, it is a tradition for the Japanese to celebrate summer with a Natsu Matsuri, which has lotsa food and games and at the end of it, fireworks.
Here at Natsu Matsuri Singapore, we also have lotsa food and games and dancing, only thing missing is the fireworks. Most people going for Natsu Matsuri will be going in yukata and you will really feel like you're in Japan when you are at the festival! You will also get to see a lot of cute little Japanese kids! It's a wonderful event. :)

Also, my mood got better after receiving an email from Josef (Molly's Hubby) telling me that a reader from Molly's blog would like to fulfill my birthday wish by giving me a magic pill to cure my leukemia!!.... Ok, I am kidding, Josef's friend, Serene, would like to gimme Lance Armstrong's Live Strong wristband for my birthday!

The same wrist band I had been finding high and low for! I am really grateful to Serene. And it is not just an extra wrist band that she is giving me, but the only one she owned, which was given to her by a friend to cheer her up. She is giving such a precious thing.... to me.. It really made my day. Really, really. There is so much love around. One can only see it if we open our hearts. I am really grateful. :)
Thank you Serene! Thank you so much!! And thank you Josef too. :)

And since this post SHOULD BE about Constant Craving, lemme talk about all the cravings I had after chemo. Sometimes I feel that chemo gives me the same effect as when one is pregnant (as told to me by my mum, not that I'd ever been pregnant before). I constantly craved for all sorts of food. First round was soup and SHARKS FIN (ZOMGWTFBBQ!!!), then second round I had craving for Japanese tonkatsu, and now, I have constant cravings for german sausages and gummies!! It does not help that my ang moh colleague sitting beside me keep tempting me with the gummies his aunt got for him from Denmark. Yummy yummy gummies!!

So this Saturday, after my CT scan, I am going to Candy Empire to stock up my gummies. Gosh. I am so craving for gummies now. Just like my nephew. Hehe.

Well, I guess after this episode of sudden depression, I should prep myself more emotionally for any other strange incidents to come.

After all, life's a bitch.
Tame it.

The entry of magic

2008-07-29T07:16:00.000-07:00

Miss G is my friend's teacher who used to teach her Literature. She is capable of changing people's life with her teachings. And today, I understand how she did it.

If I never remember wrongly, Miss G have breast cancer, which spread to now, her spine. This is what she wrote about how countless battle with cancer.

Truly Wonderwoman

Miss G has tumors in her lungs and spine. The doctors had told her that nothing works for her anymore. Not chemo, not surgery, not radiotherapy, nothing.

Yet she sees life as an art, and always striving to achieve excellence on this art.
Even though she is wheelchair bounded, she is still teaching in SRJC, continuing her legacy. She is truly a Wonderwoman. Such courage, such determination, such inspiration.

Miss G, I do not know you, but I will fight my battle with gusto and live my life to the fullest.

And in her words, I would also like to say this.

Yes, I am a cancer patient and I am undergoing chemo.
Get over it!
I am living!
So do you!
And while you live ... live your life right and spare a thought for others ...

This is The G Thing

Pass it around. :)

Awesome

2008-07-29T00:27:00.000-07:00

Chemo sucks but my good days are great. I am totally operating like any normal person. I don't wear a mask when I go out and I can go back to my normal routine. Only difference is, I can't really do much sports now. I did 6 push ups and had body ache 2 days later. Haha.

But this is as good as it gets.

My birthday is coming. My wishlist is

1) Live Strong wrist band

2) Bicycle

3) Trip to Japan

4) Good health

I wish to get at least the first one and last one. :)
Looking high and low for it and think only USA is selling it, at 5th Ave. :/

Really want that wrist band to represents all the cancer warriors fighting spirit. :)

At work now, slacking. I am feeling great to be operating as per normal. I love my life. Life's beautiful. :)

Bao Ka Liao med

2008-07-23T07:58:00.000-07:00

Went to see my favourite doctor (ok lah, she's my only specialist LOL), Yvonne and told her about the constipation and the very embarassing side effect... the itchiness of the nether regions.

I dun wanna go through tests to find out what infection it is, cos too much time would be spent waiting for registration etc in SGH. My appointment was 10.40am, so I reached about 10.15am for my blood test. There was already a huge crowd while waiting for my blood to be taken. Waited for 2 hours + before I get my results and met Yvonne and after waiting for my medication and a slot for the next CT scan (groan), it was already 1pm. =_=

Anyway, Yvonne said since I dun wanna go for any tests, she will gimme a bao ka liao ointment, got antibiotic, steriods, anti-fungus ETC to cure any infection there is.
And when I ask her will I get side effects, she says only if I apply it many times a day for maybe like 10 months. Haha.

My doctor can be really funny. Haha. Her weird sense of humor make the chemo days slightly more bearable. :)
So with her bao ka liao ointment, my *er hem* feels better today! :D
Works like magic! ;)

Round 3, a pain in the ass....literally

2008-07-20T08:12:00.000-07:00

Cycle 3 is really a pain in the ass. Every cycle of chemo has it's surprises, I swear. And this one, is constipation. I had a very bad constipation today. Really bad one. It hurt so bad. How can ANYONE tahan anal sex, really!?!?!?!

I can never understand that.

Next round I am asking my doc to gimme some laxative. Gosh save me from this pain please!

First sign of side effect

2008-07-16T01:57:00.000-07:00

Had my 1st sign of side effect today. I had constipation. Gosh, I hate constipation. If I have to choose between diarrhea or constipation, I will definitely choose diarrhea, which in my opinion, is the lesser of the 2 evils.

I seriously do not like the idea of having something hard STUCK in the anus. And having to push with all your might to squeeze that thing out. It can be really painful too.

I had a really bad constipation experience about 4 years back and I thought I am going to faint in the toilet then! I almost wanted to ask my colleague to send me to the doctor, but realised it will be extremely embarrassing to arrived in a clinic with a piece of shit stuck up the ass. So I just try my best to rid it in the toilet. Took me 40 min! That was when I truly understand the meaning of "pain in the @$$"

Anyway, my constipation today was not that bad, but was unpleasant enough. I quickly eat some organice nuts and dried fruits to replenish my much needed fibre. Hopefully I won't have that again tomorrow.

It's the last day of round 3 tomorrow!! Then it will be time for the side effects. I am trying to look pass that and only thinking of my good days now. I wanna go out and eat good food! I want good health! ROAR! Down with CLL!

I am half way to finishing my 6 rounds of chemo! Go go go!

PS: I think I finally know why no friends of mine comment on my blog. Cos my comment setting nvr put "allow annonymous comments". Wah liao! I not stoooopid!

Round 3! FIGHT

2008-07-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

The days of chemo. You fade into normal life, then before you realised it, it's chemo again. The drugs are accumulative and it starts to affect you more as each round goes by. You get emotionally drained and really edgy before chemo.

Then there's the chemo brain. Which I just found out can affect your daily life. Like short term memory, less able to multi-task. More likely to forget what you do.
Well, seems like it is not as walk in the park as I want it to be.

What will round 3 be like for me?

I seriously do not want to find out.

"Normal Life"

2008-07-09T09:54:00.000-07:00

Life's back to normal again. Waking up at 7.30, rushing for the train, squeezing in with the peak hour crowd, working, meeting deadlines, having peak hour lunch breaks, laughing and talking with colleagues.

It is almost like I never go through chemo.

My colleagues are also quite curious to know, though only 2 ang moh ask, why I didn't drop any hair.

I think people are just too under-informed about cancer. But then again, who are they to blame? I almost wanted to cut my hair super short thinking my hair will fall when I first knew I need to go for chemo. In the end I am glad I didn't since my FCR regime didn't cause much hair fall.

I am thankful for CLL forumer's advice. Because if not for them, I am sure I would have cut my hair super short by now. Haha. Now that I have a new haircut that can flaunt my newly recovered jawline, I am really happy. I can feel the softness in my neck again! It used to be lumpy so much so, it tightens the skin so much that it feels hard. I love how I look and feel now. Chemo really is the weapon we have in this battle, like what Flora has said.

Next week will be my next round. I will hv to pick up my armour and weapon once more for the 3rd battle.

Thank you

2008-07-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

In the ending of FFX, the reason why Yuna said "thank you" to Tidus before Tidus disappear instead of "I love you," is because "thank you" has a much deeper meaning than saying "I love you" to him. To her, he is her guardian, protector, savior, lover. She owes her entire journey to him. Thank you, is to show appreciation for all that he was, not just being a lover.

Thank you, is also the word I wish to hear, if I ever were to disappear. I wish people will remember me for the time we spend together. And hopefully, is worthy of a "thank you".

Samantha, Cancer and Relationship

2008-07-03T06:40:00.000-07:00

For people who have watched Sex and the City, and had follow faithfully through the seasons will know that Samantha got breast cancer in SATC season 6 and her boyfriend, Smith went through it with her with the utmost support.

And for those who watched SATC the movie will also remember that Samantha hesitated to end the relationship with Smith because he was there with her during her chemo days.

I think the movie shows a very realistic part of relationship to people who had went through cancer and chemo. Does it mean that if your partner went through the tough days with you, it means you have to repay them with your life?

Similarly, does it mean that if you have cancer, it is harder for you to find a partner?

I asked my friends about this question, if they would ever fall for someone with cancer and they answered idealistically, saying "yes, if the love is strong enough."

But you know, relationship dynamics changed the moment something like this happens. The relationship may either be strengthened or strained by this ordeal. And for single people, it may also mean a one-way ticket to singlehood forever.

It takes so much to go through such a period together as a couple. It takes a lot of patience and tolerance for the patient's partner to go through this. And like it or not, cancer IS going to change the one you love. The pressure, the physical pain and emotional stress, the long period needed for the treatment, the uncertainty, the discomfort, everything. It will change a person and it will change the person's perspective on many things; on life, on love, on family, on money, on friends, on the society etc.

It really is a very tough road for patients and partners alike. It is something not everyone would wanna commit to. And if they do, it is not something everyone can see through till the end.

Samantha chose Smith partly because he was there when she needed support during her chemo days. Cancer had CHANGED Samantha so much. Cancer made her tied herself down with a man, which is so totally unlike Samantha. And for a great 5 years!

Samantha only manage to let go of Smith after 5 years. Know the significance? Because cancer is supposed to be "cured" if one is able to stay in remission for 5 years or more. It is no wonder that she would wanna give Smith up for her old lifestyle after 5 years. Afterall, she is "cured". She needs herself back.

Smith and Samantha - The Great Distance.

But do you think she didn't love Smith? I don't think so. No one in their right mind would make sushi and placed them on her own naked body and wait in nude for their partner to come home, if not for that one big LOVE. But Samantha gave up. Because she really just want to love herself more. Because that is how she really is.

Cancer can really change a person. How well can the patient's partner accept the change? It really take a lot of love, faith and patience.

This road really is not easy.

But like Kanye West's "Stronger" lyrics goes, "Now that don't kill me, can only make me stronger."

Love will prevails for those with true love in their heart.

PS: This post doesn't really make much sense. I am just writing very random thoughts down so don't take it too seriously.

Back to work, back to base

2008-06-29T23:10:00.000-07:00

I'm going back to work tmr!

....

........

Yawnz.

Ok, maybe bumming around suits me better. Haha.
But it's going to be a new department and new colleagues. I hope it's going to be fun.
And I am sure I will be busy tomorrow answering all the "how are you feeling" questions and "you had lost weight!" exclamations.

Ah well. But after work there's KTV! WHEEE!
Normal life, HERE I COME!!

I even went shopping yesterday with my colleague to get new working clothes. Cut my hair short to fight the warm weather too. I look uber bishie (hamsome~!) now. *ish very buah hiao bai*

We even caught Elmo and Cookie Monster having a secret affair at NYDC! Hehehe

I LOVE GREAT SINGAPORE SALE!!! Think next week I wanna go shop for more clothes. All so much cheaper than before! I am happy~~

Going to enjoy every bit of being normal for now.

For 2 weeks later it's back to poking flesh, blood drawing, drug infusing days.

Molly's on Vanilla!

2008-06-28T11:26:00.001-07:00

Molly's on Vanilla Magazine! Get yours TODAY!

(^_^*)b

PS: Molly, I miss you.

What's up at Round 2

2008-06-26T02:46:00.000-07:00

Flora came to visit me on my 2nd chemo and she brought me delicious STRAWBERRIES! You know strawberries are my FAVOURITE! And it's not the normal strawberries ok, it's the BIG BIG ones! Really big, fragrant and JUICY! But I didn't eat much in the hospital. I am not supposed to eat any fruits without peeling them. And since I can't peel strawberries... But I still has 2 of them that day. It's just too irresistable.

Yummy strawberries

I brought them back home anyway and use the knife to cut off all the skin before I eat them. Haha! Thank goodness Flora bought me BIG BIG strawberries, so after 'skinning' the strawberries, they are still a big piece left for me to eat. So yummy! I really love strawberries so much. Which is so unlike my character, because I am so un-feminine and people always associate strawberries with girly girls. *giggles girlishly*

Anyhoooo, I am also going to show you guys the soft toy my 2nd nephew gave me. It's a cute little doraemon. My nephew is only 3 and half years old and is such a darling. Go around 'flirting' with all the nurses and the nurses will always come up to tell me how cute he is. He sure will grow up to be a ladykiller next time. Haha.
This doraemon acts as a wrist rest for me to rest my arm and wrist. My nephew (my brother and sis-in-law actually) got for me to rest the arm with the port (the needle used deliver the drip and chemo drugs) and it is so useful, even nurses asked me to use it.

This pic is taken while I am having chemo and you can see the tube is protruding out. When the houseman (practicing doctors that just came out from med school) was putting the port into my left hand, he told me that the tube might protrude out but it was ok, because I can pretend I am ultraman and go "tui tui tui"! Hahah! This silly houseman really made the sound "tui tui tui" to me! And for goodness sake, he is even younger than me! Treating me like a big kid! Too bad he is not going into pediatrics cos I think the kids will really like his goofiness.

Once, I was just lying on my (hosp) bed and minding my own business when something rolled from outside all the way into my room and under my bed. Then this houseman walked in and started searching for that 'thing'. After asking, that 'thing' was actually the front piece of his stethoscope, the part used for listening to heart beats, and it actually came loose and fall off!! How funny can he get!

So it is like everytime I get admitted to SGH, I will surely have some housemen stories to tell.

First time was the houseman from hell that couldn't draw my blood and hurt me so much, he caused me to hyperventilate. 2nd was the houseman who did not listen to instructions and after telling him to avoid inserting the needle on my joint, did it anyway and caused me to not be able to bend my left arm for 5 days straight. And now, I had an ultraman wannabe for doctor. Haha. With housemen like this, how bored will you get in hospitals, really?

Monday FEAST

2008-06-23T21:01:00.000-07:00

YEAH! It was a first feast after 2nd round of chemo. After looking at reviews from hungrygowhere.com I decided to give Tetsu a try! Tetsu specialises in tonkatsu, which is a deep fried breaded pork cutlet. I tried the tonkatsu in Tokyo when I was there 2 years ago and the taste still haunt me till now. The one from Japan is SO SOFT AND SMOOTH! OMG! It's so heavenly and you just wonder how did the Japanese do it!?

And so after reading pretty good reviews from hungrygowhere (You can read the review here), I decided to give it a try as I was really craving for a proper piece of meat after 1 week of hospital food that can still make me nausea till now.

Tetsu is located in Tanglin Mall, 3rd floor. The deco is really beautiful, made up of mainly wood and has a really nice enclosed area for diners of 4 to 8. Really good for groups of friends to go.

I had Rosu Katsu, which was recommended by hunrgygowhere reviewers

While my mum has the duck noodles

Personally, I think the Rosu Katsu is too over hyped. It is too hard for my liking and is definitely no way near as nice as the one I had in Japan. In fact, I can't really remember if the Rosu katsu in Tonkichi is better or not. Maybe I should pay Tonkichi a visit soon.

My mum's noodles, on the other hand, is DELICIOUS! The noodles is a little like udon but not as hard. it's really soft and chewy and full of taste! I will definitely order that when I go back to Tetsu. Actually, their fried beef on a stick is also pretty good. The batter is soft and crispy and fried just nicely. :)

And after main, we had dessert, Japanese green tea mochi!

This mochi is unlike any mochi I had eaten before! It is so soft and chewy. The softness is just nice and the green tea fragrance and sweetness is just nice. Extremely delicious!

Hehe, overall I would recommend my friends to give it a try. But the next time I go, I am sure I will order noodles instead and had ala carte fried stuff instead.

PostNote: I know some people feel that you shouldn't eat fried stuff after chemo, but seriously, I feel that we can eat everything, just in moderation and don't over binge it. Cos this meal left me extremely happy for hours to come. ^_^

New Template New Look!

2008-06-22T20:36:00.001-07:00

Decided to have a new template cos the previous one seems so dull and I attribute that to my lack of comments in my blog.

Haha. I am also waiting for Josef to supply me the Wonder Women banner so I can put on my blog as an official Wonder Woman. Haha.

Feeling much better today. No feeling of nausea and my back don't hurt to much either.
I'm going to have tonkatsu later! Will post some pic up when I am done. :p

It's just a little hangover. Round 2! WON!

2008-06-21T20:54:00.001-07:00

I had just finished my round 2 of chemo and although it is a tougher fight than round 1, I still manage to finish it with gusto (and vomiting of a few times, feeling nauseous for 2 days and tired even till now). Haha.

I was extremely excited that a friend I had not talked to for a really long time is now working in Mayo Clinic. Mayo is an extremely famous health institution in USA and is one of the top researching institution for leukemia. They are the one that came out with the idea that green tea pills can control CLL after phases of clinical trials.
My friend, Carolyn, had spoken with the haematologist in Mayo and helped me asked about stem cell transplant, to do it now or wait. And after hearing their answer, I chose to wait. For I believe that there will be another form of cure in years to come.

True enough, when I was surfing CLLforum.com, a forumer told me that Dr Tom Kipps from Mayo has started researching on genetic treatment for leukemia and this is what he said about it.

Tom Kipps:
I am very excited about the ability to use our own immune system to recognize and destroy the leukemia cells. I've been excited about that prospect for some time, but in more recent times I think that there may be some developments that may make it more practical and more feasible for more patients, and I think that we have to look at the issue of transplantation where patients have achieved curative treatment when they've received a transplant because the graft can sometimes recognize and destroy the leukemia cells. That can also be achieved by not having a transplant by just activating our own immune system, and I'm very excited about this because even the most resistant leukemia cell that's resistant to all different drugs is still very sensitive to being killed by cytolytic T-cells in the immune system.

If they can come out with this treatment in a few years time, I will not have to go through stem cell transplant anymore. Stem cell transplant, though is the latest "in" thing, has it's own problem, especially the Graft vs Host Disease (GvHD), which will happen when your donor's immune system starts attacking your own immune system and even your own organs as it sees them as foreign bodies.

With genetic treatment, GvHD would not be a problem as we are using our own immune system (T cells) to fight against leukemia cells. Gosh, it will be such a break through and I really can't wait for this to become successful.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel and I am slowly approaching it. Living is wonderful and to be alive is happiness. People won't know this fact till they have went through some form of life threatening issues, and it is only after that will they truly admire the beauty of being alive.

Round 2! FIGHT!

2008-06-15T06:20:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I'll be going for my round 2 of FCR. It's emotionally draining on me, even more than the first round. Getting very tired of all the poking of needles into my veins and drawing of blood everyday for 1 week and every week for 21 days.

I want to be normal again.

Round 1 Chemo! WON!

2008-06-10T23:14:00.000-07:00

Here are some of my first round chemo pix. No face pix though. Just picture of my plug and my 3 chemo drugs, fludarabine, cyclophosphamide and rituximab.

Many people have a misconception of chemotherapy. I realised that when I had my first round of chemo. Many of my friends thought I will be pushed to a special room with radiation to be "baked" and injected. My partner say they think it's like putting me in a microwave oven. Haha.

But it is not like that. The nurses will come in with a packet of liquid and just put it in your plug and let in infuse like a drip. That's all. Simple and easy. ^_^

They will inject some anti-nauseua drug (through the plug) before infusing you help you cope better with the to-be side effects. So really, it's not that scary.

If you ever wanna encourage a friend going through chemo, just be as normal as you can. DO NOT be even more hysterical than your friend. Making them calm during chemo is very important. It is really, not as bad as how TCS 8 protray it to be (screaming and crying patient, non-stop vomitting and people laughing at the poor patient who is bald). :)

Chemo effects vs getting drunk

2008-06-09T02:34:00.000-07:00

You know how channel 8 always love to dramatised cancer patients and their whole treatment process? How they love to scare normal people that chemo is actually so super scary and what not?

But hey, I can tell you that chemo side effects are actually very similar to getting yourself drunk. In fact, for some people, getting drunk can actually feel a lot worse than getting chemo.

Main side effect of chemo includes vomitting. But the hospital will usually give you an anti-vomitting pre-medication first before giving you your wonderful pack of chemo water. For mine, it comes in pack of 100ml and 500ml. Wow, just like 1 bottle of yakult and lesser than a pint of hoegardden. The pubs you frequent definitely won't give you a vomitting pill before you starts drowning yourself out in alcohol, right?

Chemo side effects varies from person to person. For some, they dun always feel nauseous. In fact, when I got drunk, I feel 5 times worse than when I had my first dose of chemo. I can puked up to 3-4 times in a night, whereas I only vomitted once throughout my first cycle. And even though I did get a fever, I think I feel a lot worse when I was drunk.

So you know what? Chemo may not necessary be damn scary like shown on TV. In fact, pumping alcohol into your body gives you the similar, if not worse, effect as chemo!
So if you really think chemo side effects are scary, then you shld seriously consider quitting drinking.
Excessive drinking not only gives you a bad headache and a puking fest, it also embarrassed you in the public, makes your head spin, and gives you a bad hangover. Though alcohol does not make your hair drops, it does gives you an ugly beer belly. So drinkers, save your liver. Dun drink excessively.

Shave for Hope

2008-06-08T10:12:00.001-07:00

Hi, Shave for Hope for Children's Cancer Foundation is here again. If you cannot bear to shed your hair, you can donate here

Click here to see the different shavee's profiles

My friend, Chua Li Shan is also in it. Do support them and support the foundation. I am still contemplating if I should shave my head. Anyway, I donated. And I hope those that comes here can donate too.

Help the children with cancer. Donate to CCF.

16th

2008-06-05T09:21:00.000-07:00

Will be having my 2nd round on the 16th. Contemplating whether to do outpatient or inpatient. Not sure which is cheaper. My only concern is if I do inpatient, my doc won't allow me to go home right after my cocktail. :/

I realised I am really not a blogging person. i dun think I can do as well as Molly or Flora when it comes to encouraging people thru a blog. Heck, my entries are mostly negative, cos I am a person that write more when I am down. How can I ever inspire and empower other young women fighters? How can keep the Wonderwoman's spirit burning with my writing?

So well... I ain't that good with typing out how I feel and advices for people. So if there are really young women fighters out there that need advice and encouragement... well not just drop me a note. We can always talk on the phone. i do better talking. Haha.

And Flora, dun be too pessimistic. *huggles* Optimism is Molly's trademark, remember? And I have decided to keep it a Wonderwomen trademark. Let's face all problems with a smile and a strong fighter spirit!

In Loving Memory of Wonderwoman Number 1

2008-06-02T20:12:00.000-07:00

I took the liberty to post this video that Josef made onto my webby. So that I can have a part of Molly with me.

Huili! Rest in peace! Your Wonderwoman will keep your spirit burning for you! So don't worry and go play with the angels now. :)

Welcome to Heaven, Molly!

2008-05-29T20:02:00.000-07:00

That will be the first thing you hear when you open your eyes, Molly.

For now you are in a better place where there's no cancer, no pain and suffering. Where you become an angel too and playing among the stars.

Death is not an ending. It is just a beginning for many beautiful things. It is also a beginning for other Wonderwomen to take over that noble job of yours of encouraging and inspiring Wonderwomen around the world.

For you, Molly, we will be strong. We will fight like a true blue Wonderwomen and let the Wonderwomen spirit go on forever.

So don't worry Molly. Be at peace now and go play with the angels. You are always on our minds.

Love,
Fayth

chemo cycle 1... FIGHT

2008-05-22T08:20:00.000-07:00

So here I am in SGH, and just had 2 days of chemo. Fludarabine in the afternoon and cyclophosmide in the evening. Tomorrow I am going to have Rituximab the whole day together with the other F & C drug.

So far it's been ok, though I heard that people usually wont have side effect till days later. So I shall keep my fingers crossed. :x

Took some pix and will post it up. Guess this is the first time I am posting pix of myself up. Haha.

It's 11.25pm now and the lights are already off... in fact it is out at 10pm. Quite like a military camp. ^^

But the nurses are nice and I like my room mates so I am still happy with my stay. If anyone were to go for chemo for haematology, I would definitely say GO for SGH!
Ward 72 nurses are really caring and cheerful. :)

Ok, will update again. ^^

live strong

2008-05-09T21:13:00.000-07:00

I am back from the hospital. had bone marrow aspirate, CT scan and some blood test and now waiting for results. Doc wanna make sure mine is really CLL and not Mantle Cell Lymphoma, which is much more agressive and treatment has to be more agressive too.

I have a new funky doctor! The previous one was too arrogant and sloppy so I decided to change. Was kind angry with him for now giving me the necessary test to confirm mine is CLL and sending me to chemo.

But this new funky female doc is very nice. She helped me do my bone marrow aspirate, which I heard from some patient that as a consultant, she doesn't have to personally do it for me. And she was so much better than the TTSH one i did that gave me much trauma. Really thankful to have this lady as my doctor now. *cougheyecandycough*

And really thankful to HB who always stayed by my side for a good 3 days when I am in there. Really grateful and thankful for the company. And my colleagues as well who stayed with me till 11pm on the 2nd night.

The drip and all the scans were a painful process but all is bearable. I cried a bit here and there especially when my mum sms me to ask me if I slept well the night before and that she missed me and love me.

And I actually cried during the CT scan it was really painful when the flush the needle used for the contrast and was wondering once again, why do I hv to go thru this. Haha.

I miss my partner. She was hospitalised in spain due to bowel inflammation. O_o
She said cos she missed me too much. haha.

The results will be out next friday, then in to do chemo. Wish me luck! i hope it's really just plain old CLL. GOD LET ME HAVE CLL PLEASE!

Tomorrow

2008-05-06T08:23:00.000-07:00

I'll be admitted to SGH tmr to start my treatment.

I'm quite mentally prepared now. Just waiting to see what will happen.

But after this incident, i realised how much kindness there are in this world. I got to know a cancer survivor who accompanied me to the doctor and even to get my laptop. I got great support from my colleagues and bosses who are understanding and encouraging. I have a lot of support from my friends and lastly my family members.

I know I can fight this. Wish me luck people. If I manage to stay online in SGH, i'll write more.

tata

The next journey

2008-04-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

Doc wants me to start chemo next week. Its very sudden and at this point of my life while I am pending a promotion and a transfer in department, it is like a slap across the face.

But I am prepared. No point dwelling in sadness because this is life. It has its ups and downs. I am scared, no doubt. But I can only move on and not step back.

Sorry MC, don't think I can go Hokkaido with you guys in Sep. My whole cycle will end in Oct. How about after that?

Sorry Bin, can't go Bangkok with you too. I really wished I had travelled more before this.

Anyone has DVDs to lend me? Will be hospitalized for 5 days and I dun wanna get bored. ^^

Post number 100!

2008-03-26T07:11:00.000-07:00

I MIA! Yes I know. I wonder if anyone thought i am .... *choy*

Anyway, been addicted to some online game and was being an otaku (geek) for the pass few months. Plus work has been hectic, so that explain my disappearance.

But I heard that Molly and Fluer met up and I am sooooo envious! I wanna meet you guys too! That is if you dun mind meeting someone who looks like a hamster due to my swollen nodes. o^_^o

Life's been just as it is. I am glad to be living. Sometimes I sink into depression mode thinking about how I would still be in a working environment that I love though it's sales and there's lots of smoking and drinking. But well, I like smoking and drinking if not extensively.
Life's pleasures has been taken away from me for my survival.

So I can only be a geek. haha.

My mum's going for chinese medicine courses, I think for me. But the text looks hard. O_o

Anyone miss me here?

haha

I doubt ya.

Leave a comment! (Leave those comments of trying to convert me out ya?) =)

What I dislike

2008-02-24T03:13:00.000-08:00

You know what I dislike? Is when religious institions come into picture of your life when they know you are ill or something.

To me, that is making use of your emotional down period to "force sell" their religion.

Come on, I had stated here that I have a religion. I am a buddhist. I have always been respectful to the other religion, so can you give us some respect and give yourself some respect and stop "force selling" your religion?

I dun even do that to any other people I know.

We are living in a multi cultural society here and tolerance and understanding between each other's race, religion should be met. So please do me a favour and stop coming on to me like a multi-level marketing sales man.

"It's good to know you are not alone"

2008-02-18T04:24:00.000-08:00

I finally spoke to another lady with the same condition as me. She's 3 years older than me. So I guess we are in the same plight - young, CLL fighters in a eastern country.

May be meeting her up soon. :)

More updates later. :D

And in her words, "At least we both know we are not alone"

I am kinda glad to know that too. :)

skeptical

2008-01-28T08:53:00.000-08:00

Went to the doctors today. And he finally told me the shocking news about stem cell transplant for CLL. Less than 5 of such patients did the transplant. Only 1 is successful. None is alive now.

How encouraging.

"You can be the first one!"

WOW!

Thanks!

I see that slight gimmer of hope shattering into million pieces.

Exercise

2008-01-11T08:53:00.000-08:00

I bought a trampoline and try to bounce on it for at least 15 min everyday.

And I started my yoga lessons this week. My whole body is aching now but I am feeling happy and satisfied. I am very inflexible. According to my guy friend, he (mockingly) say that I belong to the 30% of the human population that cannot touch my toes when I bend down and keeping my knees straight. So I aspire to improve this till my whole palm can touch the floor at the end of the 6 weeks lessons.

Hope I will be able to perservere till the end and do the yoga poses everyday. :)

I am even thinking of buying a yoga mat now. But knowing myself, it might just be a 5 min of passion thing. Will hold that thought and see how it goes.

Yeah! Go, go, on to a healthier lifestyle!