Hope for Life

5 women and a funeral

"Dear girls, F's mum passed away last night from cancer. I am going to her wake tonight. You all?"
Smsed received, 5.17pm.

I was mildly shocked. Cancer again.
Then immediately, I thought of how my other friend, X, will react to this news.
Her mum passed away from cancer 2 years ago.

Cancer.
The number 1 killer in our society today.
Is it a sign to the humans that our world has became too polluted, too stressful, too impure that the air we breathe, the water we drink, the food we eat, started to attack us from within?
Is the environment protesting to us subtly?

I met my 3 friends at train station so that we can hopped a cab down to F's place together.

It is ironic how a wake is the only event that could gather old friends together in the shortest possible time.

We reached F's place and paid respect to her mother.
F is such a brave soul. She appeared cheerful, like how she always is when she is with us during gatherings. The only difference is, she looks thinner and paler.

She related her story of her mother's battle with cancer to us.
Tears welled up in my eyes, but I held it back, because it is extremely inappropriate for the visitors to cry when the daughter of the deceased is so, so strong.

When F left our table to tend to her other visitors, I turned to my 2 friends, X and Y, and asked if they bought any insurance.
Insurance is so important. many thought that it is a waste of money, especially when they are so young and healthy. But really, you never know, till it strikes you.

I had thought for the whole night, contemplating if I should tell my friends about my condition on such an occasion.
I did not intend to add further burden onto their emotional state initially.
But as we talked more about insurance, coverage and illness, I could not contain myself any further and broke the news to them.

"Actually, I went for an operation 2 months ago to extract a lump on my chin."

"Oh, is it tonsils?"

"No. I have cancer. I am diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia."

Upon hearing this, X, took a piece of tissue out, and I thought she was going to pass it to me as I was on the verge of tears.
But instead of passing it to me, she wiped her eyes.
I seldom see X cry. I could not even remember if I had ever seen her cry before.
She is a very strong girl as well. She handled it so well, 2 years ago, in the exact same situation as F now...

But today, she teared.

I cried.

Then I told my condition to J, who came later to join us. She was already crying after talking to F...
And my news just add on to her flow of tears.

I cried.
Because this was the first time my friends actually cried together with me when I told them about my condition.
But then again, most of my friends know about my condition on the phone or over the nt.
Face to face talk is too overwhelming for me.

I cried.
I cried, not because I feel sorry for myself.
I cried, because life is so fragile and unpredictable.
I cried, because so many of my friends are affected because of this thing call cancer.
I cried, because there are so many things that are not within my control.

Life is such an ironic bitch.
I always thought I was healthy. I seldom get fever nor flu. My family health history is pretty clean as well.
And I was diagnosed with such a rare cancer for my age, gender and racial group.

F's mother is a vegeterian.
Yet, she too, gets cancer.

What is the meaning of this?
Why are people who are having relatively healthy lifestyle, stricken with cancer?

I don't understand it at all.

posted by Fay @ 10:54 AM