Hope for Life

强者的定义

The titles says The Definition of a Strong Person

I had my operation on the 13th. It was a long wait at SGH. Unlike TTSH, we really have to wait at various stations for a really long time. I really hate waiting. it makes the patient anxious and it is really not a nice feeling. In TTSH, there were little waiting...and they made you lie on a bed and push you into the theatre op room. In SGH, you walk in by yourself and sit on the theatre op table on your own. They were deciding if they should take out a whole lymph node, together with the breast lump, or just do a needle biopsy. From their sound of it, they seems kinda sure the lump was going to be cancerous. Very discouraging, these doctors.

Anyway, I didn't konk out as fast as I was in TTSH by the anesthetic. It took a while and when I woke up, my breast hurt....obviously. And after I was more awake, I realise I have 2 scars, one for the lump, another at the lymph node. I guess in the end they open up the lymph node to take a sample out. But man...the lymph node one hurt when I move my hand. So I do have slight difficulty changing clothes and sleeping and moving my arm for a while.

But I still manage to change my clothes and refused any help from my girlfriend or mum. Ok, mum helped the first time, but that's all.

My girlfriend keep saying that I am very strong... despite the fact that I teared when I see her after my surgery. She and my mum stayed with me throughout. Mum pretty much gotten used to my girlfriend, though I never explicitly told her that she is my gf, but mum not stupid, so there. CLL does bring family understanding among one another. :)

Anyway, gf came over to be with me for the next many days to come and everytime I need to change my clothes, I will do it on my own and she would comment that I am very strong.

Well, on friday, the wound don't hurt so bad and on saturday (17th March, 4 days after op), I am up and running around, to career fair and suntec and dinner with gf's friend. Then on sunday, I ran around singapore from CCK to Paya Lebar to Novena. Well, pretty restless for a "Just Op".

Thursday, my JC friend came to visit me and as I told her about the op ever so briefly, she looked and me and said "You are really strong and brave".

What is the meaning and definition of a strong person?

Because you tried doing everything yourself and be independent?
Because you had a condition that nobody you know has thus you are strong?
Because I went through 2 ops at the age of 25, gotten such a rare condition, yet can still not show any sadness, is braveness?

Strength is the state of mind, just like happiness. At times I guess you really have to ask yourself what you want in life. Do you want to be happy, or worry about every damn thing you cannot control? Whine about something you can do but wishes someone to do for you, or just finish it yourself, fast and simple?

Strength is not just in the character. It's in your mindset. What can I do after I know I have CLL? Lament all day? Get depressed? Contemplate suicide?

No. I want to live. And I want to be normal. Live like a normal 25 year old. I want to enjoy love, enjoy life, enjoy everything around me. if you worry too much, you will miss out so much in life. You will miss out on the people who love you, the people who care about you, the beauty of the world, the peaceful sleep at night. Is lamenting the only way out for people with cancer?

No.

The definition and meaning of strength is just so simple.

It is simply the will to want to live for as long as you can, happily.

posted by Fay @ 11:41 AM