Hope for Life

Tell me the meaning of life

Work has started. And after 1 and a half month, I am totally dreading my work. I dunno what I am working for, I do not enjoy what I do. It was totally not what I expected it to be and it is super difficult.

My boss always say, "hey, you are still young, you are only 26. You should just go out and do it and take risk."

I guess what a lot of people do not realised is, age does not equates the number of years you are going to live in your life. I am not sure if I really wanna waste my life like this, doing work that does not give me satisfaction and the working environment basically suck to the core. My work station is only about.... 70 cm long. We are seated side by side. I felt like a chicken trapped in a cage, being forced fed to lay eggs.

And is that the kinda life I want?

I have been pretty edgy recently. Work has being weighing me down. It has affected my relationship. And I am not quite sure this is the kind of life I want.

But then again... what is the type of life I want?

I have been pretty lost recently. 1-2 years ago, I was an energetic girl who can never sit still. I would always go out at night, or work late till into the night. If there was just one night that I was free, I would also ask friends out just to fill up my night time. I would never go home early. Never.

I drink, I social smoke, I party all day. I had all the energy in the world and could go party till 3am, reach home at 4am and still go to work at 7.30am.

Now, I just wanna be at home. No desire to go out at night, no desire to meet people, no desire to party at all.

What is wrong with me? is this really what I want? I am not quite sure anymore. I kinda miss the old me, but yet I am comfortable with the current status where I lead an alcohol and smoke free environment. My life is only work and my relationship, nothing more.

And... when my equalibrium in life go hay wire, like this week, where work was terrible and boss was breathing down my neck, and girlfriend was not in the best of moods, I just couldn't handle it. I dunno what to do at all. I tried to create all sorta situation in my head where I can escape. Thinking of finding a new job that pays better, or trying to think of how I can not work anymore. Find a rich husband maybe? Haha. Escapism is such a sweet, destructive illusion.

Sigh.

Someone save me from my life.

PS: I know a lady who always wanted to die young. Very negative person. And sometimes I would wish to heavens that I could have some of her life transfer to me. How I wish to live long. Long enough to get my own house, own car, long enough to lead the kinda life I have always dreamt of.

Life could really be a joke. I have a strange feeling that lady I know is going to live a ripe old age. I always hv this strange thought that for people who struggle to live, they dun live very long. But people who strive to die young, live till very old.

Ah.... pessimism had set in.

I need a superhero in my life.

posted by Fay @ 1:23 PM