Hope for Life

Monday the 13th

Next monday will be my next medical appointment.

That will also be the day I get my results for my bone marrow biopsy and CT scan.

2006 is such a terrible year...
Before 2006, I lead a normal life, a healthy girl who don't even fall sick easily.

2006 is going to be over soon and I do wish that in the year 2007, I will be healthier.
At least, not be receiving bad news again.

Let me be normal, like any 25 year old.

I want to be able to love someone as per normal, without having to think about the future of "what if".

Of "what if" I pass away before my time.
Of "what if" I leave my child behind.
Of "what if" I leave my partner behind.
Od "what if" I become a burden to my partner.

But...
That all seems like a dream now.
Such a simple wish, which is a natural course for all other 25 year olds, are a great dream for me.

Will I be able to find someone who can not only love me for who I am, but also accept and share my problem of my condition?

Ever since I knew about my condition, I had closed my heart to the word "relationship".

And ever since R, whom I thought is the closet to The One that I had ever met...
I was not able to see anyone as eligible again.

Now, I am contented just to be around my friends and enjoy everyone of their company. With 3 to 4 different group of friends, I am never lonely...yet perhaps, I might never be able to find the emotional relief that one can only find in a partner.

But it is okie, really. For everything comes with a price. I shoulder my own problems, and I do not have to bother about other external emotional stress that may be caused by a relationship, for example a break up. Or a break up caused by the inability to share my condition with me. That would hurt me more. So I rather not have anyone close to my heart in that manner.

Weird, huh?

posted by Fay @ 4:28 AM