Hope for Life

Bone Marrow Biopsy

My biopsy was supposed to be at 8am, so I woke up at 6.15am and reached there at 7am... Only to wait and wait cos the doctor is late. He arrived at about 8.45am.

I was very scared...maybe cos Dan told me that even though it is local anesthesia, there's one part the anesthetic can't reach and it will be painful. So when the doc came with a pen and mark the area where he wanted to punch a hole to take out some of the bone marrow tissue, I jerked when he drew a marking on me. I was trembling out of fear so much. Then, he dotted my skin with so much strength, it hurts very much.

I was thinking to myself, "if just that marking using that pen hurts so much, the biopsy must be worse..."

Then I was gripped with fear and I started crying. I cried and I shaked and trembled with fear. The doc thought I was not going to make it and he asked the nurse to hold me. So there I was, the nurse was holding me down like some mental patient, and I was holding on to her hand tightly cos I was freaking out. They poured some alcohol like thing on my skin...not too sure cos I can't see. I was shivering so much.

I started crying and crying non-stop cos I was thinking about why I have to go through all this and why I can't live normally like any normal 25 year old. I felt so sad about the situation I am in and just couldn't stop crying. I felt that life was really full of suffering...

The doc gave me a anesthetic jab. Hurts a little... then he poke something into my skin, near my hip bone area at my back...and after a while, start twisting the needle in (i supposed it is a needle). He was twisting it so violently that my whole body was shaking. Then really soon, it was done. It was not that painful, really. I think I was just too traumatized by the whole experience.

I didn't feel that traumatized for my last operation cos I was under general anesthesia. I was asleep, so I am not afraid. This time round I was wide awake to know the whole procedure... Freak out X 100 times.

So well, the doc asked me if it hurts, I shook my head. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would be...but I couldn't stop crying. I felt very depressed. Cried non stop for half an hour after the biopsy. Think my mum also felt sad seeing me like this. Just felt like crap lah, you know. Cos I just wanted to be a normal youngster leading lives like everyone else. Such a simple wish...might be denied forever...

T-T

But I think I've grown stronger through these experiences...

I remember when I was young, I'm always emotionally weaker than my best friends and rely on them a whole lot. When I was upset, I always run to them. Perhaps that is why one of them left. Perhaps she could not take this burden of me anymore... Maybe.
After all, she has her own worries to shoulder...much heavier than ours since she was embarking on a super tough journey of being a singer.

But I guess...after I started working, after that best friend left me...I grew stronger. I don't rely on people that much and emotionally, I am much more contained now.

In fact, I myself is pretty surprise by how composed I was when I knew about my condition. I teared. But that was all. I didn't go hysterical, nor did I cry out loud and went into depression.
Maybe I am just the kind of happy-go-lucky person that take one step at a time.
I enjoy my life by the moments...so after the biopsy, I am back to normal, playing my games and watching anime. :)

I have to be strong.
Stronger..for my sake, my family's sake...and all my friends who care about me.

posted by Fay @ 6:51 AM