Hope for Life

Give me the courage to be strong.

15th Jan. My 2nd appointment at SGH. ZY accompanied me to the hospital in the end and I heck my brothers. I really needed her and was glad she was around. I think I scare her on my way to the hospital. When I get nervous, I think a lot and just want to be quiet. Silence is a good thing...at least that is what I thought.

Doctor did a really quick check on me. When I told him about the lump in my breast, he said he is not sure if is it the lymph nodes and want me to do a mammogram. BRILLIANT! Now I got 2 things to worry about. Then he told me to meet the bone marrow transplant girl for a talk togther with my brothers.

My 2nd brother was concerned as usual. My 3rd brother was bo chup as usual. Sometimes I wonder has God taken my 3rd brother away from me. Maybe to him, God is more important than his family. It makes me sad thinking about that. But I'm glad my 2nd bro is very caring.

Doc mention that I was the youngest patient he had ever met. The youngest used to be 29, now I broke the record. That made me cry. Thanks a lot doctor. I seriously dun need to break such a record.

My 2nd bro gave me the "sad" look when I repeated the "breaking record" thing my doc said. Gosh. I was on a crying spree yesterday.

Which seriously I shld not be...because after the FISH blood test, they found out that I am positive chorosome 21 (whatever that means) and not other genetic stuff which are more dangerous. Plus my full blood count are still stable.... White blood cells are still higher than normal and red blood cells are lower than average though... but he think that I am stable enough to be put under observation and only have to see him quarterly. Phew. GOOD NEWS. I hate the hospital.

Went to see the girl to understand about bone marrow transplant. Just testing if our bone marrow match will cost $330 per person. Like WTF. That will cost about $1300++ if all me and my brothers go and take that test. Plus she said if the bone marrow matches, the transplant procedure for the donor takes 7 days, 4-6 hours per day. And it sounds painful. I feel so sorry for my brothers...and I always feel like crying when I thought about what I burden I had caused them...
As for me, transplant takes about 1 month, from transplanting the bone marrow in to it being stabilized. I may hv to stay in the hospital for 36 days. Cost will go up to 30k there about. F***
I can't help but kp crying cos I really dread it.

According to my doctor, my condition is more complicated and people who are successful in doing the transplant are not that many. About thousands WORLD WIDE. I asked him what about in Singapore and he refused to answer me. My guess is success rate is only very slim and only few patients are cured of CLL after transplant.

Feeling upset but was really glad ZY was with me. She stayed with me throughout and upon my request, brought me to see the photoshoot area where she had her airgear shoot taken. The place was beautiful and peaceful. It's like time hold still for just the 2 of us. Now I really wish time can hold still for us both. I am really afraid of leaving her behind.

yet deep down, I thank heavens that I'd found her. My pillar of strength. What Qin said is through. Even if life is fragile, at least you found her by your side. Some people live a life time and never manage to find the one true love.

I am thankful.

I'm gg to live everyday happily. Nothing can stop me from finding my happiness.

Give me the courage to be strong.

posted by Fay @ 2:43 AM