Emotionally unstable
Since monday's check up, I'd been more emotionally unstable than before.I cry more frequently especially when I think about what is to come...
I know I shouldn't think so much, but I feel that the world is so unfair. What have I done wrong? I'd always been nice to people around me, never intentionally hurt anyone...
My mum saw my right chin and notice that it is too, like my left side, swollen. I am looking fatter and fatter.
I smsed ZY and asked if she will still find me hot if I become uglier. She smsed back and said that she is taller than me so she will not notice my chin. (and she adds a :p to show her cheekiness. haha) She said let's fulfill all your wishes (which I wrote below). I replied saying "how to get pregnant? haha" and she actually said if I really wan, can try the tube. Wow...she actually took that seriously.
It is true that I do wish to have a child. I even thought of going to Sans Frans to stay and have my own family. It is very common for gay couples to have their own kids there.
But all these wish...have to be placed on hold. I gotta get well first. I wanna be cured.
I read up on bone marrow transplant and got freaked out by it. Especially the Host vs Graft diesease. There are quite a number of people who died from that...
I know I shouldnt think about this at all, and should concentrate on the present and be happy. But sometimes I just cant help it. My face look rounder, I've lumps in me. so irritating.
And a lot of times, I look at ZY and wish I can stay by her side till the end of time. End of her time. Not mine.
Okie...that shall be my wish. I wanna be cured. Even if it is BMT, and even if the chances are low and it is an operation that is not common for CLL, I wanna try and give myself some hope. I wanna be cured and live longer.
For myself, for my family and for ZY.
posted by Fay @ 7:50 PM
2 Comments:
Don't Worry - Be Happy
In Dec 1991, I was diagnosed with rectal cancer, which had grown from its earlier stages because of my initial reluctance to have it examined by a doctor. By mid-Jan 1992, I was operated on for a colon re-section.
During the spring and summer I concentrated on healing, but things inside just werent right and I knew it. I experienced pain and too many bowel movements each day. A medical procedure searched for the cause, and another procedure opened my rectum. The doctors decided a colostomy was in order. By this time I was pretty tired of being a hospital "bird" and wanted to get it all over with and get on with my life. A third operation was scheduled.
By March 1993, I had my new colostomy and also some bad news. During my operation, the doctor saw cancerous looking tissue but cldn't deal with it and do my colostomy too, so he took some biopsies and closed me up. The biopsies revealed the cancer had returned to the same place (the rectal area) and was spreading. I was depressed beyond relief. It was a rainy, dreary Mar morning and I watched the feeble light of dawn from my rain-streaked windows. I was depressed and in despair. Lying in the hospital, my doctor's words rang in my ears. "It's a can of worms down there, Paul - you'll need another operation by a skilled team of surgeons who just do this kind of pelvic surgery. I can't do it.
I had always shunned religion and was forever trying to prove a Godless universe to anyone who took the positive view. I was an empircist and proud of my intellectual detachment. By lying there that morning full of hopelessness and sick of it all, I asked for God's help.
In a moment, I drifted back into that twilight sleep and I was suddenly surprised to find myself standing on a downtown street complete with sidewalks and curbs. "This is no dream," I thought."
"I am really here on this typical American street corner looking around." Just then 3 people appeared from across the street, walking my way. It was 2 men and a woman. As they got closer to me, the men sat down on the curb and began talking with each other. The woman came right up to me, smiling and giving out such a force of joy and love that I was completely taken by her presence. She put her arm around me and I felt heavenly bliss. An intense concern and love emanated from her body, completely enthralling me, She was beautiful. Her eyes were brown and her dark hair was cut short, reminding me of Prince Valiant. With her arm around me she looked into my eyes and said, "You're going to be all right now, no more medical problems. Be happy, don't worry.
Everything's going to be okay." Please be happy and don't worry. Then, as we stood there, it was clear that my time was over and they are going to leave. The 2 men stood up and all 3 began walking away. I remember how earnestly I implored them to stay. The woman was the last to leave and she turned to me again and said,"Don't worry, be happy. Everything's going to be all right."
Eight months and a series of chemo treatments later, a team of 3 surgeons at a medical center at Portland, Oregon opened me up (my 4th operation) and found not a trace of cancer - even though only
months before both CAT scans and MRI's had found the cancer reaching for my prostate, my bladder and the whole pelvic area. All 3 doctors were extremely surprised and delighted by what they didnt
find. I was absoultely clean - the biopsies that were taken then all came back negative.
Regards...
I'm a buddhist. And I will believe in the buddhism way.
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