What have I done?
Watching the movie, Midnight Sun, I believed that Kaoru should not have started her relationship with the guy at all since she is going to leave him behind in the first place.
But..what I have been doing recently is against what I had just typed above.
Been really close with a friend of mine and we have been friends for 5 years now. We don't meet up often but we are pretty good friends. She knew all my relationship history, my flings and stuff. Recently, due to cosplay, we got together pretty closely and well... I dunno... we just grew closer.
I am someone who don't believe that friends can be lovers. I always believe that if there is no chemistry, there will never be. So this is totally against my logic and I couldnt understand anymore.
Plus..this friend is totally opposite of what I want in a partner. She is younger, not working full time yet, not very femme looking....
Me liking her has totally screwed up my own liking system. But then again. I did like someone younger n very butch looking person before so perhaps this is not so impt.
But I have broken all 3 "logic" I have....
Man...am I thinking right? Do I really have the right to love again? To be in a committed relationship?
But I like her. I like her and it is against all the logic and rationales I know from the past.
And I do want to be with her.
On wednesday, I told Qin that she should just care about what she has now and not plan too much into the future, cos you will never know if anything is going to happen to you, neither will you know if your current sacrifice of your happiness can guarantee greater happiness in the future. So fuck it and do what makes you happy now. Fuck care everyone's opinions about you, fuck care people's disapprovals. It's your life and only you know what can make you happy. So just do it. Cherish the
moment, for it is the present that is important.
On wednesday, weird pal confessed and I totally forgot what the things I told Qin. I was scared and confused and insecure. I dunno if I have the capability to love in my condition. Thus I start to think more into the future and overlooked
nowBut now, I wanna adopt that "live for today" attitude.
After all, I really dunno what future holds for me and time may be too short to think too much into nitty gritty stuff... so...
Yes...I admit my feelings now.
I like you too, ZY.
Midnight Sun
midnight sun
Rating: PG
Language: Japanese with Chinese and English subtitles
Genre: Drama / Romance
Director: Norihiro Koizumi
Cast: Yui, Takashi Tsukamoto, Kuniko Asagi, Goro Kishitani
Kaoru Amane, 16 years old, did not attend school but instead sang herself away every night after dark at a square in front of a train station with a guitar in her hands. She led a lifestyle opposite the norm, sleeping during the day and active at night. Kaoru was suffering from xeroderma pigmentosum (XP), an illness, which also might be described as the allergy to the sun, and was not allowed to be exposed to sunlight. The only motivation in her life was singing, which also was the only connection to the outside world. One day, an incident drastically changes her life…
Kaoru returns home at 4:00 am, before sunrise. Outside her room window, she spots a high school student standing with a surf board in his hands. It becomes her routine to watch him and his friends come and go to the ocean every morning, before going to sleep.
Their destined encounter takes place during the few hours before the break of day, drawing together two individuals that would have never met in daylight. However, Koji does not know about her illness. The two rapidly fall for one another and continues to meet in the city at night. Then one day, an incident leads Koji to learn of Kaoru’s illness. Kaoru gives up her first love telling herself that, “I shouldn’t have allowed myself to dream of a happy life. I am not normal after all.” She even gives up singing. Koji seeing Kaoru at such a state encourages her by suggesting, “Let’s meet only at night,” and comes up with a brilliant present for her.
She had been leading a life carefully placing herself beyond the reach of harm, with no intent to pursue a dream. However, Koji had shone a light on her heart making her want to sing once again. However, her illness which has quietly progressed, has started to pressure her nerve system, keeping her from playing the guitar at her will… 
After reading the sypnosis of this movie...I can't help but feel sad. "I shoudn't have allowed myself to dream of a happy life. I am not normal after all."
I know I am better off. But allow me to be melancholic tonight. Is dating someone really important? Is that what we are all seeking ultimately? The friend of the girl I used to date keep asking me if I am seeing someone new. It's as if that is the only thing lesbians can talk about. Then, I returned the question. Is Rach seeing someone else. The answer is yes. She is seeing someone. And gut feeling tells me it is someone I know. Gut feeling is right. Her girlfriend is a friend of mine. Friend that I knew for 3 years plus. What a small circle. Messy, and small.
Sometimes, I feel glad that me and rach never made it. I dunno what I can offer her. And in my state, I am sure she is not the kinda girl that can offer me anything.
Sometimes, I wonder is it destined that we are not together because of my condition. For I know that it will only spell disaster if we actually get together. She needs too much, something I doubt I can give.
I am over her. But I just feel a little upset about the whole situation. After all, I used to think she is the one. After reading the sypnosis of Midnight Sun, I feel even more upset. I felt like... Like I shouldn't allow myself to dream of that kinda dream. It is out of the plan.
Sorry, Just lemme continue to be melancholic for a while. I know I deserve the best. My best fren, Qin told me once, "Do not feel the lack of ability to choose and love. You got all the capability to do that."
I know.
But I can't help it.
My tears keep falling.
Updates so far
Been really busy, so no updates till now. Was rushing my costume for EOY cosplay 2006. Have not been cosplaying since forever and decided to join back because I thought life is short and i need to have more fun while I am at it.
So was rushing costume non-stop this week and last week. Gosh, didn't even get to sleep much the night before the event. But it was fun. Was really happy because I finally get to cosplay with my friend ZY.
And I finally told ZY about my condition. She studies bio and genetics and kinda know some stuff about this. I asked her if she think we would be friends 10-15 years down the road before telling her that. Haha, I am only telling those friends whom I think will walk down the road with me till my last breath about my condition.
Was watching Sex and The City while doing my costume and watched the episode where (SPOILERS)Samantha got breast cancer and was doing chemo. And her friends were all with her eating popsicles while she do chemo.... And i just thot...I wish I hv friends to be around me if that day ever come...
On a happier note, I went to SGH to meet my new doc on 4th Dec. He told me that my condition can be cured (in contrary with all the other doctors I've met) and it can be done through bone marrow transplant. But it is complicated and survivor rate is 60-70%
It may sound high to most, but I finally realised that when you are the one undergoing through the listening process, 60-70% is very low.... But never mind, my bros are coming to do the blood test with me and see if they are suitable to donate their bone marrow to me. Ain't gg to worry about that now.
I am gg to live normal and be a normal person. I love my life tremendously.
And all my friends around me.
Wedding Dinners are Redundant
Why? Why do people want to hv wedding dinners? Inviting people we see once a yr or probably even once 3 yrs....just to announce you are no longer single?
Really, it is such a waste of time and effort to please the parents.
And I seriously dread gg to weddings, especially those that are of my relatives. Ok, I ONLY dread gg to weddings that are of my relatives.
Cos the first qns is.
When are you getting married yourself?Then when I say not so soon, dad will barge in with "MAYBE YOU CAN INTRO A GUY FOR HER!"
God...I wish I hv a hole which I can just hide in.
Why!? What is with wedding dinners? Why do people hv to bug you about getting married? Does it really matter if I am married or not? Does it really equates to happiness?
Okie, nvm. If you are married, people will ask you when u wanna give birth. If you hv a kid, people will ask when you wan another. If you hv 2, people will ask the results of ur kids. If you don't do up to their expectations? They gossip about you.
Then I realise this phenomenon in weddings. Table full of aunties and uncles always like to criticise this and that. They criticise the food is no good, say that it is not worth $1000 per table, say that the service no good, say that atmosphere no good, say that the food shld not be served at this table first but that table cos it's respect.
The couple spent 1 yr and SO MUCH MONEY, just for these auntie and uncles to complain. And are they truly happy for the bride and groom? Seriously, some don't even know the bride's name. All they do, is gather, talk, gossip and complain.
I don't see a point. Waste money and effort for a pointless extravaganza.
If I have a choice, I will NEVER hv a wedding dinner.
And please...I wish the relatives shld stop asking me if I am getting married soon or not. It is seriously none of their fucking business.
