30th Oct
Went for my long overdue medical appointment today. My doc is a lady that reminds me of those primary school principal. Looks stern and firm. When she sensed any resistance from me to take my test, she will firmly advice me.
So there...I am going for a bone marrow biopsy on Thurs and a CT scan on Sat. Finally I am going to go through what XDD went through. She said that had to drink a lot of pink fluid before the CT scan. I am going to drink them on sat. I fear for the scan more than the biopsy actually.
I asked the doc if she had ever encountered any young patients that was diagnosed with CLL/Small cell lymphoma around my age. She looked at me...and said, "it is very unusual..." I take her answer as a NO then. Wow...considering how old she is and she still had not encountered a young patient like me who got this rare disease, she must be quite concern to have this rare prize.
One thing about being a young cancer patient, especially one with a rare disease, means that the docs and nurses will pay special attention to you. My nurse keep coming out of the clinic to bug me to make payment, go for councilling for my biopsy and CT scan. My doc is anxious to know my results. Well...i feel special.
I had blood test today. 3...huge...tubes of blood. As I am a subsidised patient, I paid about $97 for my consultation and blood test ($70 for consultation before subsidy since my doc is a senior consultant). And the nurse told me that I will have to do blood test every time I see my doc... "After all, you are seeing a haematologist (blood disease doctor)," the nurse said to me.... Going to be damn broke.
I used to be so afraid of blood test. I remember when I was JC, a leukemia support group came to my JC and asked for donors for bone marrow. They will require you to take a blood test and it will be in their record. If any leukemia patient match your bone marrow, they will call you up to ask you to donate your bone marrow. My group of girl friends...all 4 of them became donors. I didn't...because I was afriad of blood test.
What an irony that I am a blood cancer patient now, and has to do regular blood test. Is heavens trying to punish me for not being a donor?
Silly to think like that.
All I can do is take one step at a time now.
Lumpy road
Tmr is my medical appointment. It's time to think of what's the next step. Find a proper haematologist, choose a reliable hospital. Still not sure if I should go to SGH, NUH (both have good haematology dept) or NCC.
Ah well... seems like lump is not getting smaller. Maybe I was just imagining things the other time.
Guess it is time to face the music. I wonder how many more Final Fantasy can I play, how many Playstation can I witness, how many Gyakuten Saiban I can play, how many more handheld consoles I will buy, before I say goodbye to this world.
How many manga can I read...will I be able to finish reading all those manga I have been reading now? Naruto has not ended it's series yet and I doubt it will be anytime soon. Fruit Basket is at volume 20... And my favourite Nana...
Ahhhh...lemme finish reading them first please.
Haha, think I am weird isn't it? People are usually more worried about how they will look and stuff like that when they have conditons like mine. I am more concern about games and manga and anime. Hahahaha....
Guess I am still more suitable to lead a happy-go-lucky life.
Just a little...
Just a little down tonight.
Really just a little. Woke up and dunno why, thought a bit about my previous relationship which ended more than half a year ago. About why I gave so much and my effort gone to waste. That I was so nice to my ex's housemate, and she/he has to introduced a new girl to my ex.
Then I see my brothers and their kids and I feel sad that I might not be with them in the future, like for Chinese New year.
Then I remembered my next doc appointment is on the 30th. Shit. Time to face reality again. I dunno what kinda crap test they will do on me again.
Then I remembered my best friend of 10 years... whom due to some misunderstanding, had refused to see me for 2 years now. She heard about my condition from our another best friend (3 of us used to be like sisters) and never once even smsed me. Never. So cruel of her. Really... To think we were such good friends before. That throughout the 2 years, I supported her so much as she embarked on her singing career, even to the extend of going to Taiwan to find her, only to be rejected as she refused to see me.
I know I should long forget all this, as it only makes me sad. But I guess my mind just won't listen. They are things I worry, things I couldn't comprehend, thus they will pop out once in a while and I will just ponder, "why?"
But I know lots of other people love me.
They want me to forget the past and move on.
They tell me they love me for who I am and will support me through this.
And I know..it is much more important to cherish now, than the past.
I am grateful.
Regular Check Up
To all that reads my blog.
My advice to all....
Do your regular body check up diligently. Cancer is no longer a disease that people can just shrug it off and say "it won't happen to me."
It can happen to ANYONE, at ANY AGE, ANY GENDER, ANY RACE, ANY NATONALITY.
Do your blood test regularly.
I am someone who hates injections and blood test. Believe me, I need someone to hold my hand when I had my Hep B immune jabs taken 4 years ago. Now? I am pretty immune to injections, though blood test still freaks me...
But still, go for all sorts of check up. And watch your life style.
If you are happy with your life now, and wanna live as long as you can, take care of your health now.
If you hate your life now... then...why, by all means destroy it with all your vices.
Personal choices.
BA's brownies
Baked brownies today with Bin and Rainnabe.
Since Bin and Rainnabe knew about my condition, they have been actively asking me out. Very touched. Though they didn't know that I am having this "stay home syndrome" ever since I came back from japan. Does not have much desire to go out recently... just feel like staying at home and just enjoy time alone. Maybe it is my own escape mechanism. I dunno. but I feel tired staying outside for too long.
Which might be a psychological thing because before my operation, I always like to stay out late. Even after work when I do not have any activities on, I'll ask colleagues to go for a drink. Since my op, I stopped doing that and try not to go out unneccesarily. Cos I feel that home is the most comfy and the safest.
Anyway, back to the topic. Rainnabe wanna bake some brownies for his presentation (though even till now, I have no idea why he needed brownies for his presentation...) and we decided to bake brownies together. We made 2 type w 2 different recipe. Not bad, though the 2nd one came out charred. Haha. But still, it tasted good. Thus me, Bin and rainnabe decided that maybe we should open a brownies stall... maybe call BA's brownies. B stands for Bin, A stands for Rainnabe's name, and BA is my online nickname since 2000.
Haha. It's quite funny actually.
Then we touched on the issue of how friends handle another's medical condition news. And of course, we all agree that they should treat friends who have medical condition with empathy and not sympathy. But I guess empathy and sympathy is just a thin line... but I guess I will touched on this in another seperate entry.
Gotta work tmr again. Boring.
Needa find another job soon. This job is not conducive for my condition.
Stay home geek
Had MC on friday and I stayed home to be geek. As my parents are away on a holiday, I can have the TV all for myself the whole day!
So I played and played my Okami. Chiong 10 + hours of game play in a day! What a feat! Super happy and super fun! How long has it been since I can chiong my games like this? When I had my holidays before uni starts, I remember chionging games like 8 to 12 hours per day and can finish games one after another within a few months! And those are at least 50 hours of game play, mind you.
You can call me a geek, call me a kid, I don't care. Do you know that in Japan, console gaming is part of everyone's life? Housewives to salary men to professionals to students. Gaming is a hobby like watching movies in Singapore.
Well...too bad Singaporeans have a very great misconception about gaming, that it is meant for kids and geeks.
Can't wait for Gyakuten Saiban 2 to be out on DS Lite. That will be on 26 of Oct. No nice games on handheld console now.
And gaming can really relieve you of your pain. Not totally but at least halved it. When I was having gastric flu, i concentrated on my games to take my mind off the naueous feeling and pain in the stomach.
Now that I am fine, I am more cautious about going out, especially to crowded, enclosed areas.
Will really try not to go clubs unless absolutely needed (or desired). Never know what kinda virus people have and spread in the club.... *shudders*
Be gone, the stupid haze
The haze was getting pretty bad recently.
The first week of Oct, I have rashes and last night, I was stricken with gastric flu
This is the first time I gotten gastric flu. Was having super bad diarrhea and later that night, vomitting comes in to join in the fun of making me worse.
Luckily my 2nd bro is around the area and he brought me to the clinic. I had a jab on my arm, which the doc told me that it will be very painful. I was wondering to myself, how painful can it get? I had been through biopsy and surgery and blood test these few months, how bad could a jab get?
Gosh, it hurts. The jab itself is painful, but it was after the jab that hurts really bad. Gosh... then I felt nauseous and was puking very badly at the clinic's toilet.
Went home and try to eat some thing. But puked them out again. I was trying so hard to finish most of my food and went to my room to sleep.
I know I cannot keep puking the food out cos I really need the nutrients.
I think my immunity system is getting weaker.
I have never ever gotten gastric flu before.
And the haze was never a problem to me.
Now, I was sick twice in a month due to the haze.
Thinking of it makes me slightly upset....
I want to live healthy...
Insurance
I attended an insurance talk today and realise that CLL is not covered under critical illness.
The reason they gave was that CLL has a good chance of recovery so is not considered critical illness.
That is utter rubbish. I argued with the person and told her that CLL is a disease that does not have any cure yet, but she keep insisting that "according to statistics, it can be cured"
Maybe their statistic criteria includes how long the person can live the moment they are diagnosed.
Then that will be totally unfair isn't it? Considering that CLL patients will be able to live longer, but it also means the medical expenses will be more. And live longer doesn't mean that it is cured.
Sigh
Anyway, just disappointed that I bought my insurance in vain.
Swelling down.
I have no idea is it the supplements my big bro gave me, or is it the chinese herbs, but I feel that the swell in my lymph nodes has gotten smaller!!
I never notice it until X tried touching my neck lymph nodes on Friday night. She said she didn't think that my lymph nodes were that swollen. So when I checked it, it really do seems to hv gotten less swollen.
I am very glad really!
It pays off swallowing 10 pills per time, twice a day; and bitter Chinese medicine twice a day.
When I got my rashes last week, I was still wondering if it is the supplement that causes it.
My big bro told me to trust him and don't stop taking them.
And I did. I really trust him with my life (very literally) and continued eating them.
I do hope that my next blood test would show that my white blood cells count has gone back to normal, or at least decrease a little.
And I am still praying and hoping that the doctors make a mistake about my condition.
My 2nd bro bought me this book call Live Strong, about cancer survivors! So touched! :~~)
Will be reading it soon.
Okie, since my bros are all so supportive, I must be positive, so as not to waste their effort.
I am very sure having happy, optimistic thoughts can cure my condition too.
:D
Next 10 years
The reason why my blog's URL is call 10 years of hope, is because Small B-Cell Lymphocytic Lymphoma/Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia, as the name suggest, is a prolonged, slow kind of blood cancer.
It doesn't affect your body rapidly like acute lymphocytic leukemia does, but the sympthoms developed slowly. Most people are able to lead normal lifes for many years, some decades. But generally, my doc told me that the lifespan for patients with this condition is about 10-15 years.
Which means I might not live past my 40th birthday.
But I am thankful because I still have at least some years to live, to appreciate life, to love the people around me.
When I first know about this through my doctor, my 2nd bro was with me. I was calm because after all those test that I went through, I know that something is wrong. I had tubes stuff into my nose before, biopsy being done in my air passage way because the lymph nodes there had swell up. The doctors took a sissors like thing and snip off some part of the swell and all this was done by putting the apparatus up my nose, into my air passage way. I had needle biopsy done on my swollen neck lymph nodes. And I had an operation. 2 months of grueling test was enough to prepare me for the news that day.
To be honest, even till now I am still in slight denial, because I still lead a normal life as before. Like for instance now, while I am typing this, I am wondering to myself if the doctors made a mistake. But now as I took the results in my hand, I know that my total white blood cells is higher than normal. 16.0 k/ul instead of the normal range of 4.0 to 11.0. I still have to go for further CT scan and bone marrow biopsy. I am quite tired of the tests. I am afraid, to be h0nest.
My 2nd bro accompany me to see the doc that day when I knew the results. And I am forever grateful that it was him who went with me and not my mum. I wouldn't know how to face my mum.
"10 years is a long time you know. I mean, life is so unpredictable, people can just die from traffic accident suddenly. So you really shouldn't think too badly about this. Maybe you should buy toto, since your condition is so rare, it is even rarer than winning toto. Who knows? You might just strike toto the next time you buy."
Outsiders may think it is totally insensitive of him to say this to me. But I was very touched. I know he is trying to cheer me up. And being an Asian man, he is brought up not to show his emotions so apparently, so perhaps that is the best thing he could do at that time. That is the only way he could think of to cheer her baby sister up.
I am happy.
And he was there to help me break the news to my mum.
I couldn't do it on my own.
I am glad.
My next visit to the hospital will be on the 30th October.
My bro has already applied leave to go with me too.
Though I am scared...I know I am safe. :)
Saturday Night Happiness
Met my best friend, Qin, for coffee this afternoon and I told her about F's mother's wake last night. I was feeling quite emotional today and it got worse when my good friend, Zeph, told me that her mum was admitted to ICU unit this afternoon.
It was like one blow after another for me to hear of news of my friends' mums going through such things.
Anyway, sad things aside, since this is a post about Saturday night happiness. ^_^;
My parents are away, so as usual, I took the liberty to invite my friends over for a slumber DVD party!
My geek friends came over and I barred them from wifi-ing on their PSP and DS Lite. And we just watched silly shows like Sex is Zero, Zoolander, Team America, Shaolin Vs Evil Dead (WTF!!!!!) and 40 year old Virgin.
Sex is Zero is hilarious, though I really hate Korean way of filming. What is with the totally irrelavant sex scene! Like ZOMGWTFBBQ!!!
But it was still funny. I love the sissy guy in the show! ^-^
Shaolin Vs Evil Dead is this HK movie DUBBED in AMERICAN ENGLISH! It is like watching Pokemon HK film!!!
Stopped half way cos I really cannot stand the dubbing anymore.
Team America is quite funny but totally stupid. But I kinda like how they made fun of the actors. 40 year old virgin was surprisingly decent. Though I fell asleep half way through.
I love spending time with my geek friends. We are not close individually, like we don't tell each others our personal problems and all, but we always meet up about once every week or every fortnight just to watch movies, play handheld games, have dinner and talk cock.
The kind of happiness is indescribable. :)
Totally stress free, and I will forget about my job stress, my condition, or anything bad.
And we always have lots of fun when we are together, joking around, talking crap.
And we always love sleep overs. Then we will just go to one person's house to play games or watch DVDs or wifi games, and once in a while, mahjong session.
And it is great to have people share the same passion as you. Games, anime or manga. They will always give the best advice on which games to purchase and what anime to watch now, thus I can always be in the loop even though I am busy working.
Life is never boring with them around. \(^_^)/
Source of Strength
My dear friend, X, showed me this blog website this afternoon.
http://xiaodoudou.blogspot.com/I read a few entries of it... and feel so much for her.
There are so many similarities.
We both have blood cancer (though I cannot confirm if mine is leukemia or lymphoma).
She is 25 last year when she starts battling with cancer.
I am 25 when I am diagnosed with this condition.
We both love to eat.
Food is better than sex, that is what I always like to say. But my colleagues will always say that I have never had great sex before. But hey! You can have 3 meals a day and be satisfied 3 times a day.
How could you ever have 3 times of sex a day on a regular basis?
...
.....
Okie, I can't have.
So my argument still stands.
Anyway...
Another uncanny similarity is...
We are both not straight.
Got me thinking, is cancer trying to eliminate us, the non-heteros?
Haha, but of course, it is a silly thought.
It is indiscriminating.
Just like death.
Realise something?
Cancer always happen to people who are very strong.
They happen to people who are positive, who are cheerful, who are optimistic.
Like Joan. Like XDD. Like me.
Maybe life knows that it is people like us that can take up to such a trial, therefore, do not want to burden those pessimisstic ones with such a task.
We were all given a trial.
And we have to all overcome it.
And I know, I will try my darnest to.
Give me strength to go on please
At times I will lose hope in life.
For I see it meaningless to fight, wasting energy and money, yet arriving at the same destination.
However, I do love watching anime, playing games, reading manga, being with my family, being with my friends.
Thus, I must prolong this small happiness for as long as I can.
If I ever lose hope in life... my friends, please do lend me your strength to carry on.
Thank you.
Leaving on a Jet Plane
My parents are going on an overseas vacation today.
I woke up slightly earlier to pass some money to my mum for her to use during her trip.
"Are you sure you have enough to use?"
"Don't worry, mum. My daily expenses is alright. I am more worried about my medical expenses."
"You don't have to worry about your medical expenses at all."
I know.
I know my parents have my medical expenses planned out to a certain extent.
I was touched, very touched.
Family really will help you in times of need.
And friends will always provide that source of support.
But to be honest, I really do not wish to use my parent's retirement sum.
Since I got my condition, I've been wishing that I can strike Toto first prize, so that I can have enough money for my medical, and my daily life. Then I can go find any job that I like to do, even if it is low paying.
I have always wanted to work in a Manga store or game store. ^_^;
But of cos, Toto dream is totally unrealistic and illogical.
But it's good to have dreams isn't it. haha
Luckily I have bought insurance.
The only thing I worry about is whether there will be any problem claiming, since my cancer is a chronic one. And such a rare cancer in Singapore.
Plus...my coverage is not a lot.
Money...
I have only worked for bearly 2 years.
If this has strike me only when I have more savings and earning a higher pay and have a bigger position in the company with slightly more leverage power. Then the company will be more willing to pay for my medical expenses, yet keep me in the job
But of course, it is just a thought.
Luckily I am currently without any commitment.
No car, no partner, no kids.
My expenses can be totally spent on making myself happy.
Life is too short.
I want to lead a happy, fulfilling life.
5 women and a funeral
"Dear girls, F's mum passed away last night from cancer. I am going to her wake tonight. You all?"
Smsed received, 5.17pm.
I was mildly shocked. Cancer again.
Then immediately, I thought of how my other friend, X, will react to this news.
Her mum passed away from cancer 2 years ago.
Cancer.
The number 1 killer in our society today.
Is it a sign to the humans that our world has became too polluted, too stressful, too impure that the air we breathe, the water we drink, the food we eat, started to attack us from within?
Is the environment protesting to us subtly?
I met my 3 friends at train station so that we can hopped a cab down to F's place together.
It is ironic how a wake is the only event that could gather old friends together in the shortest possible time.
We reached F's place and paid respect to her mother.
F is such a brave soul. She appeared cheerful, like how she always is when she is with us during gatherings. The only difference is, she looks thinner and paler.
She related her story of her mother's battle with cancer to us.
Tears welled up in my eyes, but I held it back, because it is extremely inappropriate for the visitors to cry when the daughter of the deceased is so, so strong.
When F left our table to tend to her other visitors, I turned to my 2 friends, X and Y, and asked if they bought any insurance.
Insurance is so important. many thought that it is a waste of money, especially when they are so young and healthy. But really, you never know, till it strikes you.
I had thought for the whole night, contemplating if I should tell my friends about my condition on such an occasion.
I did not intend to add further burden onto their emotional state initially.
But as we talked more about insurance, coverage and illness, I could not contain myself any further and broke the news to them.
"Actually, I went for an operation 2 months ago to extract a lump on my chin."
"Oh, is it tonsils?"
"No. I have cancer. I am diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia."
Upon hearing this, X, took a piece of tissue out, and I thought she was going to pass it to me as I was on the verge of tears.
But instead of passing it to me, she wiped her eyes.
I seldom see X cry. I could not even remember if I had ever seen her cry before.
She is a very strong girl as well. She handled it so well, 2 years ago, in the exact same situation as F now...
But today, she teared.
I cried.
Then I told my condition to J, who came later to join us. She was already crying after talking to F...
And my news just add on to her flow of tears.
I cried.
Because this was the first time my friends actually cried together with me when I told them about my condition.
But then again, most of my friends know about my condition on the phone or over the nt.
Face to face talk is too overwhelming for me.
I cried.
I cried, not because I feel sorry for myself.
I cried, because life is so fragile and unpredictable.
I cried, because so many of my friends are affected because of this thing call cancer.
I cried, because there are so many things that are not within my control.
Life is such an ironic bitch.
I always thought I was healthy. I seldom get fever nor flu. My family health history is pretty clean as well.
And I was diagnosed with such a rare cancer for my age, gender and racial group.
F's mother is a vegeterian.
Yet, she too, gets cancer.
What is the meaning of this?
Why are people who are having relatively healthy lifestyle, stricken with cancer?
I don't understand it at all.
