Emotions
It's funny how when somethings happened in ur life, some things start to change.
I really dislike the side of me that indulge in self pity.
But I do that often nowadays.
And sometimes, I would wish that someone can save me from all this nightmare.
My neck is swelling and made my jawline looks bigger than normal. In other words, I look fat. My idea of taking more beautiful pictures of myself before I need any treatment just ain't working out too well, since I am already swelling. ZY always think I look good. But she is bias cos she is my gf.
I myself know I look swollen. Been asked by a couple of people about it. I always told them it's due to my wisdom teeth.
What do you expect me to say? I have cancer? I dun wan sympathetic looks from people. I don't want to be the gossip of the month.
I fear meeting my neighbour at the busstop because she would always make a big fuss about my lumps and insisted i go and see a doctor even after I told her the wisdom teeth excuse. She will just keep going on and on and on about the lumps till the bus come. Once I even resorted to taking another bus when I knew she was going to take the same bus as me.
Quit asking me about my swells.
And quit indulging in self-pity. I am still alive and living as per normal, so quit feeling so sorry for myself.
Buddhist Perspective
Everyone has to die, it is just a matter of when. Some people died at the age of 70, some died at the age of 7. No matter how rich or poor you are, how famous or infamous you are, death is inevitable for all. And what makes death difficult to accept is this longing for the material and intangible things in this world. Our family, our loved ones, our house, our car, our achievements, our career.
And if you are able to look pass all these, to forgo all these, to lift the weight of all these yearnings and desires from your shoulders, then perhaps death is just part and parcel of life and it is more acceptable.
That perhaps if I can look past the fact that I am still young, that I have a future ahead, loved ones to protect and to care for. Then maybe I would not be so affected by my condition and what lies ahead.
it is not easy, cos to reach there would mean to reach a state of enlightenment.
But when I think it in a Buddhist perspective, death is not such a scary thing anymore.
I should go to bright hill to meditate. I think it is really good for my mind. Must move my lazy ass.
My girlfriend is more fabulous than fantastic 4
With my emotions swinging back and forth, I am really glad ZY is the one that is with me now. Even I cannot stand how I am sometimes. But she took it well. I mean we quarrel, but we nvr cold war or anything. Most stuff are settled within 1 day.
I have been very emotional recently. Work is shit, plus my neck is swelling and my face looks fat due to the swelling. I think it's stress from work. I am going to look for a better alternative. It is very bad for my health. 2 weeks ago, I wasn't feeling so stress n the swell actually went down. Even ZY noticed. Then it just got worse. Last week was super stress at work because I was back stabbed for some non work related stuff and I totally despise my boss for her unprofessional attitude towards groundless accusations. Plus the other boss had been breathing down my neck constantly. My swell grew n it reached a new size this week. -_-
So well, I am so going to leave this job. It is not worth it.
I may be only 26, but that doesn't mean I have all the time a normal 26 year old can waste. Life is not measured by your age.
Murphy's Law
A friend of mine told me that the more you don't plan for the future, the more likely it is for you to live long. It's Murphy's Law. For people who always believe "life is short, just spend all the money I earn" will live a very long life, while people who save and make plans for their life don't live very long. haha.
On another note, I realise there are people in life that you have to discount 30% of whatever they say. My boss is one of them. Damn good sales man.
I would appreciate people being more sincere then to always sales talk people like all the time.
It's irritating. The world is a money battle field for them and everyone has a "make use of" value to them. I don't like how it work for these people.
I really had been more anti-social, I feel. I am too lazy to meet up with friends, too lazy to ask people out. I used to do that all the time. i wonder why the change. HB said that it's because I have finally yearn to just settle down to lead a monotonous life, and not flutter around like before. Hmm, is that so? It's true that I used to burn my life away, always thinking that life's short and youth is short, you should just try out everything. I think now, I would just try out everything that make me happy and not unhealthy.
Well, ZY has been really patient with me. I was really on an emotional roller coaster these few days and she was handling me well.
I really need to find alternatives to my current situation.
Tell me the meaning of life
Work has started. And after 1 and a half month, I am totally dreading my work. I dunno what I am working for, I do not enjoy what I do. It was totally not what I expected it to be and it is super difficult.
My boss always say, "hey, you are still young, you are only 26. You should just go out and do it and take risk."
I guess what a lot of people do not realised is, age does not equates the number of years you are going to live in your life. I am not sure if I really wanna waste my life like this, doing work that does not give me satisfaction and the working environment basically suck to the core. My work station is only about.... 70 cm long. We are seated side by side. I felt like a chicken trapped in a cage, being forced fed to lay eggs.
And is that the kinda life I want?
I have been pretty edgy recently. Work has being weighing me down. It has affected my relationship. And I am not quite sure this is the kind of life I want.
But then again... what is the type of life I want?
I have been pretty lost recently. 1-2 years ago, I was an energetic girl who can never sit still. I would always go out at night, or work late till into the night. If there was just one night that I was free, I would also ask friends out just to fill up my night time. I would never go home early. Never.
I drink, I social smoke, I party all day. I had all the energy in the world and could go party till 3am, reach home at 4am and still go to work at 7.30am.
Now, I just wanna be at home. No desire to go out at night, no desire to meet people, no desire to party at all.
What is wrong with me? is this really what I want? I am not quite sure anymore. I kinda miss the old me, but yet I am comfortable with the current status where I lead an alcohol and smoke free environment. My life is only work and my relationship, nothing more.
And... when my equalibrium in life go hay wire, like this week, where work was terrible and boss was breathing down my neck, and girlfriend was not in the best of moods, I just couldn't handle it. I dunno what to do at all. I tried to create all sorta situation in my head where I can escape. Thinking of finding a new job that pays better, or trying to think of how I can not work anymore. Find a rich husband maybe? Haha. Escapism is such a sweet, destructive illusion.
Sigh.
Someone save me from my life.
PS: I know a lady who always wanted to die young. Very negative person. And sometimes I would wish to heavens that I could have some of her life transfer to me. How I wish to live long. Long enough to get my own house, own car, long enough to lead the kinda life I have always dreamt of.
Life could really be a joke. I have a strange feeling that lady I know is going to live a ripe old age. I always hv this strange thought that for people who struggle to live, they dun live very long. But people who strive to die young, live till very old.
Ah.... pessimism had set in.
I need a superhero in my life.
