Hope for Life

致：你

诗嘉，在我生命结束之前，你会再见我一面吗？

看在我们十年友谊份上。

posted by Fay @ 10:28 AM 2 Comments

The day before my medical appointment

I am scared, real scared.

I wish someone can understand.

posted by Fay @ 8:08 AM 2 Comments

"If Tomorrow Never Comes"

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

---

I wish I am healthier.
For her, for my mum, for those that will be devastated without me.

I have always wish to die later than my love ones, so that they will not have to bear the pain of losing me.
But god, why is reality so cruel?

Will the love I give be enough to last through the life time?

Will they know that I really do love them with my heart and soul?

I really do.

posted by Fay @ 12:14 PM 1 Comments

Dana and Alice

I had only watched The L Word season 1 and 2 and had always loved Dana and Alice pairing.

It was only today, after looking at the videos on Youtube, did I realise that the producers has wiped out Dana by giving her cancer and die of heart failure.

Feel so sad seeing that.



They shld stop killing people with cancer...

posted by Fay @ 12:50 PM 3 Comments

Wedding dinners

I am invited to yet another wedding.

But this time, it is special. ZY is also invited together with me! it is my best fren's bro's wedding, so my best fren, being very kind, invited me and my partner! I feel sooooo special! Cos this is the first time I get invited together to and event which I am able to ask my partner along! it is such a special feeling. *grins widely*

Though ZY dressed up totally like a guy (not butch kind, she dressed really smartly and look so darn charming. No wonder she has so many fangirls.) but I swear I'm gg to get her a gown one day. hehe. Even my best fren's sis who is 18 this year swoons over ZY's hair. Now I totally understand why teenagers idolise ZY so much. -_-;

After the wedding, we took a cab back and the cab uncle actually came from the same wedding! And he actually offered to send us bk for free (which i strongly objected) but he charged us less! What a great guy. :3

Happy happy. Sooooo happy to be going to such events with my partner. I am contented.

posted by Fay @ 7:49 AM 0 Comments

Emotionally unstable

Since monday's check up, I'd been more emotionally unstable than before.

I cry more frequently especially when I think about what is to come...

I know I shouldn't think so much, but I feel that the world is so unfair. What have I done wrong? I'd always been nice to people around me, never intentionally hurt anyone...

My mum saw my right chin and notice that it is too, like my left side, swollen. I am looking fatter and fatter.

I smsed ZY and asked if she will still find me hot if I become uglier. She smsed back and said that she is taller than me so she will not notice my chin. (and she adds a :p to show her cheekiness. haha) She said let's fulfill all your wishes (which I wrote below). I replied saying "how to get pregnant? haha" and she actually said if I really wan, can try the tube. Wow...she actually took that seriously.

It is true that I do wish to have a child. I even thought of going to Sans Frans to stay and have my own family. It is very common for gay couples to have their own kids there.

But all these wish...have to be placed on hold. I gotta get well first. I wanna be cured.

I read up on bone marrow transplant and got freaked out by it. Especially the Host vs Graft diesease. There are quite a number of people who died from that...

I know I shouldnt think about this at all, and should concentrate on the present and be happy. But sometimes I just cant help it. My face look rounder, I've lumps in me. so irritating.

And a lot of times, I look at ZY and wish I can stay by her side till the end of time. End of her time. Not mine.

Okie...that shall be my wish. I wanna be cured. Even if it is BMT, and even if the chances are low and it is an operation that is not common for CLL, I wanna try and give myself some hope. I wanna be cured and live longer.

For myself, for my family and for ZY.

posted by Fay @ 7:50 PM 2 Comments

Fear

I am afraid of death

I am afraid of the pain, I am afraid of leaving people behind, I am afraid of leaving this world.

I am only 25, dammit!

Only 25...

Why world... Why are we stricken with such a disease such as cancer?
Is it a punishment for destroying the earth slowly but surely? Thus it give us back in double?

I'd not co-habitated with anyone before, I'd not gotten pregnant before, I'd not drive a car before, I'd not bought a property before, I'd not gotten married before...

I have so many things that I want to experience...

Please don't take them away from me....

posted by Fay @ 8:39 AM 0 Comments

Give me the courage to be strong.

15th Jan. My 2nd appointment at SGH. ZY accompanied me to the hospital in the end and I heck my brothers. I really needed her and was glad she was around. I think I scare her on my way to the hospital. When I get nervous, I think a lot and just want to be quiet. Silence is a good thing...at least that is what I thought.

Doctor did a really quick check on me. When I told him about the lump in my breast, he said he is not sure if is it the lymph nodes and want me to do a mammogram. BRILLIANT! Now I got 2 things to worry about. Then he told me to meet the bone marrow transplant girl for a talk togther with my brothers.

My 2nd brother was concerned as usual. My 3rd brother was bo chup as usual. Sometimes I wonder has God taken my 3rd brother away from me. Maybe to him, God is more important than his family. It makes me sad thinking about that. But I'm glad my 2nd bro is very caring.

Doc mention that I was the youngest patient he had ever met. The youngest used to be 29, now I broke the record. That made me cry. Thanks a lot doctor. I seriously dun need to break such a record.

My 2nd bro gave me the "sad" look when I repeated the "breaking record" thing my doc said. Gosh. I was on a crying spree yesterday.

Which seriously I shld not be...because after the FISH blood test, they found out that I am positive chorosome 21 (whatever that means) and not other genetic stuff which are more dangerous. Plus my full blood count are still stable.... White blood cells are still higher than normal and red blood cells are lower than average though... but he think that I am stable enough to be put under observation and only have to see him quarterly. Phew. GOOD NEWS. I hate the hospital.

Went to see the girl to understand about bone marrow transplant. Just testing if our bone marrow match will cost $330 per person. Like WTF. That will cost about $1300++ if all me and my brothers go and take that test. Plus she said if the bone marrow matches, the transplant procedure for the donor takes 7 days, 4-6 hours per day. And it sounds painful. I feel so sorry for my brothers...and I always feel like crying when I thought about what I burden I had caused them...
As for me, transplant takes about 1 month, from transplanting the bone marrow in to it being stabilized. I may hv to stay in the hospital for 36 days. Cost will go up to 30k there about. F***
I can't help but kp crying cos I really dread it.

According to my doctor, my condition is more complicated and people who are successful in doing the transplant are not that many. About thousands WORLD WIDE. I asked him what about in Singapore and he refused to answer me. My guess is success rate is only very slim and only few patients are cured of CLL after transplant.

Feeling upset but was really glad ZY was with me. She stayed with me throughout and upon my request, brought me to see the photoshoot area where she had her airgear shoot taken. The place was beautiful and peaceful. It's like time hold still for just the 2 of us. Now I really wish time can hold still for us both. I am really afraid of leaving her behind.

yet deep down, I thank heavens that I'd found her. My pillar of strength. What Qin said is through. Even if life is fragile, at least you found her by your side. Some people live a life time and never manage to find the one true love.

I am thankful.

I'm gg to live everyday happily. Nothing can stop me from finding my happiness.

Give me the courage to be strong.

posted by Fay @ 2:43 AM 3 Comments

However far away, I'll always love you

Monday is my medical check up and ZY took leave and wanted to accompany to my check up. I was very touched. but too bad this arrangement will be a little hard cos 2 of my brothers are going with me cos they are getting their blood tested to see if their bone marrow is suitable for mine....and my family, other than my mum, did not know about my sexuality yet, so perhaps I should save the formal introduction for another day.

Actually, I wanted to tell my 2nd bro about my sexuality. I am not sure how he will react, but I do hope he will be supportive... After all, with life being so fragile, I hope people can just let me lead a happy life. Honestly, I don't see why family and friends should interfer with your happiness. They like a straight life and that is what make them happy, go ahead. We never interfer. Why do they have to interfer with our own kind of happiness? Humans spend too much of their time discriminating and hating, instead of loving and be happy. Life is too short for that, come on!

I guess once in a while, ZY will feel upset for me... She got a little emo this afternoon and she smsed her best friend. She told me that friends usually do not interfer with each other's affairs, unless they call for help. I guess ZY is really upset then. Seriously, nothing to be upset about. I am still alive, still kicking, still happy, still doing what I want to do. Though I never know what is going to happen, but hey! Since we never know, why worry so much? All those symtoms are just a prediction. It may not even happen, so just be happy right?

If Louise Hay can cure her own cancer, why can't I?
I am going to cure my condition with lotsa love and happiness in my life.

Which also means I have to stop being emo about my condition sometimes and stop thinking I look fat cos of the lumps at my neck that made my face rounder. Happiness is a choice people! Start LIVING YOUR LIFE and stop depressing!!

I love ZY. She is the most caring and most click girlfriend I ever had. We had no problem communicating and our sense of humor is very similar, so we can really joke a lot and laugh a lot. Being with her is lotsa laughter. Really made me very happy. Perhaps she will be my cure. :)

I quitted my job. I am very happy and stress free. The moment I'd decided to leave the job, the burden on my shoulders just lifted itself. I feel like I am free again. *breathes fresh air*
Life is not just about making money and working. Really have to treasure everything you have now. Really.

I guess my condition really made me treasure life more. But that's life isn't it? When you have something, you won't cherish it. Only when something happens, will you learn to treasure.

Be happy with what you have and do not envy what you do not have. Life has a way to happiness and you just have to learn the way.

I am very happy now. Because I have a loving family, caring friends, and now I have found my soulmate.
Life is good to me.

posted by Fay @ 7:41 AM 3 Comments

Paranoid and Emo

My condition makes me paranoid. When I feel a little unwell, I will suspect it is my condition.

Recently, I've been getting body aches. Due to the white blood cells, I will feel aches in my bones. That's what the doc says. But recently it is getting irritable. And when it happens, I feel emo and upset.

I got emo on weird pal on wed. I felt that she is very poor thing, to be stuck with me. I cried during dinner cos I was feeling so bad and so upset. I wished we had met in another situation, I wished I was healthier. I feel so sad that she has to be the one to be with me now. I wished I loved her earlier. It was a lot of mixed feelings. The moment she saw me getting upset, she stood up from her seat and came forward to give me a hug, right in the middle of food court. I was embarrased and touched all at the same time. She thought I wanna tell her that I wanna stop all this. But I am too selfish to wanna do that. I seriously just wanna be with her. I wanna be with her forever, as lovers, and as friends.

I think I really scare her. Cos I cried again in Starbucks when I went there for coffee. Can't help it. My arm was aching and I hate my condition. I heard the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol and cried. "If I just lay here, will you lie with me and just forget the world..."

Anyway, I spoke to Dan and Qin about whether I should be selfish and get into a relationship. Well, being friends, they are supportive. But when you are the one experiencing the whole thing, you can't help but wonder if you did the right thing.

But I am selfish. I can't possibly let go of her now. I really adore her. She gave me hope in my life and show me that perhaps...I have the right to love again.

Therefore, I will continue to fight...with her by my side.

posted by Fay @ 10:31 AM 7 Comments

2007

2007 will be a healthier year.

I wake up every morning and is happy I am still alive and well.

I love my life and everyone around.

posted by Fay @ 7:25 PM 2 Comments