Wednesday was a really sad day. My backache took a turn for the worse and I can't bend down to pick things up. At one point, I cant even brush my teeth properly cos I cannot bend my back. Sad thing number 1.
Sad thing number 2. I booked 2 tickets for a romantic Bintan trip with my partner at Nirwana Hotel Resort for my birthday. 3 hours after I booked my tickets and paid it with my credit card, my mum told me that my dad forbids me to go to Bintan. You dunno how heart broken I was. I had not been on any overseas trip since the year I was disgnosed (2006) and now I can't even go for a really short trip to celebrate my birthday. :(
Felt really depressed and my mood came to an all time low this morning (Thursday) when I woke up with the pain in my back, showing no signs of it getting better.
Took urgent leave and went to see my doc, Yvonne at SGH. Had my blood taken and after 2 hours of waiting, I finally get to see her. She said the back pain was most probably not caused by the chemo or the neulastin shot. Kinda suspected it was the push ups I did on Sunday that led to this torture. All I did was six.... SIX miserable push ups! And to think I used to be a sports person in combine school team. Sigh
Anyway, my "depression" was short lived as I get over things relatively fast. Plus my friend offered an "alternative" to my birthday trip, that is to go Natsu Matsuri!!!
Natsu Matsuri is an annual summer festival organised by Japanese Association and held at Japanese School at Tanah Merah. In Japan, it is a tradition for the Japanese to celebrate summer with a Natsu Matsuri, which has lotsa food and games and at the end of it, fireworks. Here at Natsu Matsuri Singapore, we also have lotsa food and games and dancing, only thing missing is the fireworks. Most people going for Natsu Matsuri will be going in yukata and you will really feel like you're in Japan when you are at the festival! You will also get to see a lot of cute little Japanese kids! It's a wonderful event. :)
Also, my mood got better after receiving an email from Josef (Molly's Hubby) telling me that a reader from Molly's blog would like to fulfill my birthday wish by giving me a magic pill to cure my leukemia!!.... Ok, I am kidding, Josef's friend, Serene, would like to gimme Lance Armstrong's Live Strong wristband for my birthday!
The same wrist band I had been finding high and low for! I am really grateful to Serene. And it is not just an extra wrist band that she is giving me, but the only one she owned, which was given to her by a friend to cheer her up. She is giving such a precious thing.... to me.. It really made my day. Really, really. There is so much love around. One can only see it if we open our hearts. I am really grateful. :) Thank you Serene! Thank you so much!! And thank you Josef too. :)
And since this post SHOULD BE about Constant Craving, lemme talk about all the cravings I had after chemo. Sometimes I feel that chemo gives me the same effect as when one is pregnant (as told to me by my mum, not that I'd ever been pregnant before). I constantly craved for all sorts of food. First round was soup and SHARKS FIN (ZOMGWTFBBQ!!!), then second round I had craving for Japanese tonkatsu, and now, I have constant cravings for german sausages and gummies!! It does not help that my ang moh colleague sitting beside me keep tempting me with the gummies his aunt got for him from Denmark. Yummy yummy gummies!!
So this Saturday, after my CT scan, I am going to Candy Empire to stock up my gummies. Gosh. I am so craving for gummies now. Just like my nephew. Hehe.
Well, I guess after this episode of sudden depression, I should prep myself more emotionally for any other strange incidents to come.
Miss G is my friend's teacher who used to teach her Literature. She is capable of changing people's life with her teachings. And today, I understand how she did it.
If I never remember wrongly, Miss G have breast cancer, which spread to now, her spine. This is what she wrote about how countless battle with cancer.
Miss G has tumors in her lungs and spine. The doctors had told her that nothing works for her anymore. Not chemo, not surgery, not radiotherapy, nothing.
Yet she sees life as an art, and always striving to achieve excellence on this art. Even though she is wheelchair bounded, she is still teaching in SRJC, continuing her legacy. She is truly a Wonderwoman. Such courage, such determination, such inspiration.
Miss G, I do not know you, but I will fight my battle with gusto and live my life to the fullest.
And in her words, I would also like to say this.
Yes, I am a cancer patient and I am undergoing chemo. Get over it! I am living! So do you! And while you live ... live your life right and spare a thought for others ...
Chemo sucks but my good days are great. I am totally operating like any normal person. I don't wear a mask when I go out and I can go back to my normal routine. Only difference is, I can't really do much sports now. I did 6 push ups and had body ache 2 days later. Haha.
But this is as good as it gets.
My birthday is coming. My wishlist is
1) Live Strong wrist band
2) Bicycle
3) Trip to Japan
4) Good health
I wish to get at least the first one and last one. :) Looking high and low for it and think only USA is selling it, at 5th Ave. :/
Really want that wrist band to represents all the cancer warriors fighting spirit. :)
At work now, slacking. I am feeling great to be operating as per normal. I love my life. Life's beautiful. :)
Went to see my favourite doctor (ok lah, she's my only specialist LOL), Yvonne and told her about the constipation and the very embarassing side effect... the itchiness of the nether regions.
I dun wanna go through tests to find out what infection it is, cos too much time would be spent waiting for registration etc in SGH. My appointment was 10.40am, so I reached about 10.15am for my blood test. There was already a huge crowd while waiting for my blood to be taken. Waited for 2 hours + before I get my results and met Yvonne and after waiting for my medication and a slot for the next CT scan (groan), it was already 1pm. =_=
Anyway, Yvonne said since I dun wanna go for any tests, she will gimme a bao ka liao ointment, got antibiotic, steriods, anti-fungus ETC to cure any infection there is. And when I ask her will I get side effects, she says only if I apply it many times a day for maybe like 10 months. Haha.
My doctor can be really funny. Haha. Her weird sense of humor make the chemo days slightly more bearable. :) So with her bao ka liao ointment, my *er hem* feels better today! :D Works like magic! ;)
Cycle 3 is really a pain in the ass. Every cycle of chemo has it's surprises, I swear. And this one, is constipation. I had a very bad constipation today. Really bad one. It hurt so bad. How can ANYONE tahan anal sex, really!?!?!?!
I can never understand that.
Next round I am asking my doc to gimme some laxative. Gosh save me from this pain please!
Had my 1st sign of side effect today. I had constipation. Gosh, I hate constipation. If I have to choose between diarrhea or constipation, I will definitely choose diarrhea, which in my opinion, is the lesser of the 2 evils.
I seriously do not like the idea of having something hard STUCK in the anus. And having to push with all your might to squeeze that thing out. It can be really painful too.
I had a really bad constipation experience about 4 years back and I thought I am going to faint in the toilet then! I almost wanted to ask my colleague to send me to the doctor, but realised it will be extremely embarrassing to arrived in a clinic with a piece of shit stuck up the ass. So I just try my best to rid it in the toilet. Took me 40 min! That was when I truly understand the meaning of "pain in the @$$"
Anyway, my constipation today was not that bad, but was unpleasant enough. I quickly eat some organice nuts and dried fruits to replenish my much needed fibre. Hopefully I won't have that again tomorrow.
It's the last day of round 3 tomorrow!! Then it will be time for the side effects. I am trying to look pass that and only thinking of my good days now. I wanna go out and eat good food! I want good health! ROAR! Down with CLL!
I am half way to finishing my 6 rounds of chemo! Go go go!
PS: I think I finally know why no friends of mine comment on my blog. Cos my comment setting nvr put "allow annonymous comments". Wah liao! I not stoooopid!
The days of chemo. You fade into normal life, then before you realised it, it's chemo again. The drugs are accumulative and it starts to affect you more as each round goes by. You get emotionally drained and really edgy before chemo.
Then there's the chemo brain. Which I just found out can affect your daily life. Like short term memory, less able to multi-task. More likely to forget what you do. Well, seems like it is not as walk in the park as I want it to be.
Life's back to normal again. Waking up at 7.30, rushing for the train, squeezing in with the peak hour crowd, working, meeting deadlines, having peak hour lunch breaks, laughing and talking with colleagues.
It is almost like I never go through chemo.
My colleagues are also quite curious to know, though only 2 ang moh ask, why I didn't drop any hair.
I think people are just too under-informed about cancer. But then again, who are they to blame? I almost wanted to cut my hair super short thinking my hair will fall when I first knew I need to go for chemo. In the end I am glad I didn't since my FCR regime didn't cause much hair fall.
I am thankful for CLL forumer's advice. Because if not for them, I am sure I would have cut my hair super short by now. Haha. Now that I have a new haircut that can flaunt my newly recovered jawline, I am really happy. I can feel the softness in my neck again! It used to be lumpy so much so, it tightens the skin so much that it feels hard. I love how I look and feel now. Chemo really is the weapon we have in this battle, like what Flora has said.
Next week will be my next round. I will hv to pick up my armour and weapon once more for the 3rd battle.
In the ending of FFX, the reason why Yuna said "thank you" to Tidus before Tidus disappear instead of "I love you," is because "thank you" has a much deeper meaning than saying "I love you" to him. To her, he is her guardian, protector, savior, lover. She owes her entire journey to him. Thank you, is to show appreciation for all that he was, not just being a lover.
Thank you, is also the word I wish to hear, if I ever were to disappear. I wish people will remember me for the time we spend together. And hopefully, is worthy of a "thank you".
For people who have watched Sex and the City, and had follow faithfully through the seasons will know that Samantha got breast cancer in SATC season 6 and her boyfriend, Smith went through it with her with the utmost support.
And for those who watched SATC the movie will also remember that Samantha hesitated to end the relationship with Smith because he was there with her during her chemo days.
I think the movie shows a very realistic part of relationship to people who had went through cancer and chemo. Does it mean that if your partner went through the tough days with you, it means you have to repay them with your life?
Similarly, does it mean that if you have cancer, it is harder for you to find a partner?
I asked my friends about this question, if they would ever fall for someone with cancer and they answered idealistically, saying "yes, if the love is strong enough."
But you know, relationship dynamics changed the moment something like this happens. The relationship may either be strengthened or strained by this ordeal. And for single people, it may also mean a one-way ticket to singlehood forever.
It takes so much to go through such a period together as a couple. It takes a lot of patience and tolerance for the patient's partner to go through this. And like it or not, cancer IS going to change the one you love. The pressure, the physical pain and emotional stress, the long period needed for the treatment, the uncertainty, the discomfort, everything. It will change a person and it will change the person's perspective on many things; on life, on love, on family, on money, on friends, on the society etc.
It really is a very tough road for patients and partners alike. It is something not everyone would wanna commit to. And if they do, it is not something everyone can see through till the end.
Samantha chose Smith partly because he was there when she needed support during her chemo days. Cancer had CHANGED Samantha so much. Cancer made her tied herself down with a man, which is so totally unlike Samantha. And for a great 5 years!
Samantha only manage to let go of Smith after 5 years. Know the significance? Because cancer is supposed to be "cured" if one is able to stay in remission for 5 years or more. It is no wonder that she would wanna give Smith up for her old lifestyle after 5 years. Afterall, she is "cured". She needs herself back.
Smith and Samantha - The Great Distance.
But do you think she didn't love Smith? I don't think so. No one in their right mind would make sushi and placed them on her own naked body and wait in nude for their partner to come home, if not for that one big LOVE. But Samantha gave up. Because she really just want to love herself more. Because that is how she really is.
Cancer can really change a person. How well can the patient's partner accept the change? It really take a lot of love, faith and patience.
This road really is not easy.
But like Kanye West's "Stronger" lyrics goes, "Now that don't kill me, can only make me stronger."
Love will prevails for those with true love in their heart.
PS: This post doesn't really make much sense. I am just writing very random thoughts down so don't take it too seriously.
I was 25 when I was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia on 15th September, 2006. At first I felt lost, I was afraid. But with a lot of support from my family, friends and an online CLL support group, I grew stronger. I am now a CLL warrior, and a WonderWoman fighting against cancer. This is my story.
Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia is a blood cancer found more commonly among Westerner males, above the age of 50. I am a Chinese female, and was diagnosed at 25. What are the chances, really? Since then I start buying more toto. Because if I can get such a rare cancer which occurs only 1 in a million chance to someone like me, then winning 1 million dollars doesn't seem like such an impossible dream right? ^_^
Yes, I am positively optimistic. ^_~
