Alive
But having said what I said in the last post...
I read a manga call Alive. It is about human beings being affected by a "virus" from outer space. Those infected will be ordered to die. Most abided the orders and committed suicide. There was mass suicide all over the world within a short period of time. Those that are able to defy the death orders, are given a special power and are called to start a revolution on earth.
The main character was one that had defied the death order and given the special powers. He is the only character that believed that given the choice of life and death, humans path should be to live. While all of his "comrades" geared towards bloodshed...to make the world into a better place.
The question that came out several times was... Living and Dying are the two choices, which will you choose?
The main character fought hard to stay alive and to help others stay alive too, for he truly believe that death is never his option.
That's correct. Death is never the option.
I want to stay alive.
And I want to lead a great, happy life.
I will bear his fighting spirit in mind...to fight to stay alive.
Price of living
Young people...because they are young, they think they have all the time in the world to burn their life....thus they indulge in vices. Smoking....drinking... not eating well....
You will never know the price of living...till something happened.
It's a revelation that comes within...when you realise that life is fragile and short.
The price of living...is not to be weighed by money.
No fame nor status can buy you Life.
For death..is the only equalizer in the world, no matter how rich you are or how powerful you are. Nothing...NOTHING can buy you life.
It is morbid, but...remember that doctor that died in his sleep?
I pity his wife... so sudden... She must be shocked
But...I really envy him.
If I can choose the method of death...
I wish to die in my dreams.
Thallium poisoning case in China 10 years ago
This is a very interesting case that I read online. In 1994, a china student studying in Ching Hua University was ill. Her symptoms were first stomach pain, then hair loss, then loss of control of breathing and pain in legs...
The doctors could not find the problem and her classmate seek help online. 30% of the responses that came back said that she suffered Thallium poisoning. Although her life was saved later....she was permanently impaired....
It was suspected that she was poisoned by her room mate, who might hv feed her Thallium...a odorless, colorless, tasteless and deadly heavy metal that could kill if anyone consume just 1 gram of it.
However, the suspect was never caught due to family connections.
VERY SCARY SHIT!
You can read more hereOMG! So scary! Imagine being poisoned and you don't even know!!!
Last medical appointment
Went to my medical report and doc says that the cells are also in my bone marrow. Can't really tell if it is CLL or small cell lymphoma, but it is more like CLL. She had referred me to SGH to the oncology team to let them decide for me what kind of treatment that will be suitable for me.
She said there are more aggressive kind or gentle kind. Obviously, aggressive kind has more side effects then the gentle ones.
Well, I'll find out more on the 4th of Dec.
She also asked me not to eat so much shell fish. Crap... :(
And when I asked her if my condition is considered as critical illness, she said that it confirm is and said that the cells are in my blood and it is all over my body, it is definitely critical illness, even though I still seem well.
So I need to go check with my insurance agent and find out more. But first I need to go SGH and see what they say first. From what I know, for critical illness for CLL, only RAI stage 3 then can claim. I am not sure which stage I am at and that TTSH doc din specify.
According to her, in general cancer terms, mine is STAGE FOUR since it has spread throughout my body through my blood....
I was so tempted to ask her, if that's the case, does it mean that I am going to die very soon since it is STAGE FOUR...........
Oh well.
I don't like to think too much. Will just take one step at a time.
I tendered today. Don't want to do job that has to meet customers anymore. But boss told me that she can transfer me to other dept that will be deskbound. I am very thankful for that, so will be waiting for her good news.
A Dream
Something I posted somewhere, inspired by what I read from June Kim's 12 Days...A dream of a scene from a perfect relationship.
Of us, sitting in front of the window of our very own apartment with a cup of coffee.
I laid my head on your shoulder. And you patted me lightly on my head, playing with my hair.
We looked out of the window and admired the city lights.
We were quiet as time passed us by, for the longest time.
You stopped playing with my hair and held my chin in ur fingers...guiding them along to place my lips onto yours.
And you let your lips slide up to my ear, and quietly whispered...
"I want to have your child, I love you so much."
With that impossible wish...you laid me down on the carpeted floor and we made love under the city lights.
This is but a scene from an unfulfilled dream of mine. That of a perfect relationship, that may be as an impossible wish, as wanting to have my lover's baby.
peeling....
One part of my skin (a small section) is peeling off like it will after sunburn. The problem is, I don't sun tan and I don't know why it is peeling off.
What does that mean? Another side effect of my condition?
Asked my doc if I can drink alcohol during my last medical appointment.
She looked at me and said.
"You only have this much good bone marrow and liver left. If you drink, you put toxic into your body and kills them faster..."
...
Does that mean I cannot even take alcohol in moderation? Like once in a while?
Luckily she never say cannot eat seafood. I will die not being able to eat crab.
Want to go JB to eat the seafood soon. Was at JB with my colleagues last Friday. But didn't stay long enough to have dinner. Hopefully next week, we can go in there to have a good seafood meal.
I try not to eat too much crab. Trying to keep it at once a month.
Had cut down on fastfood too. But I am so craving for fries now...
I had not have a good restaurant food for some time. Guess I need to find time and find friends to go have a nice meal.
Monday's Medical Checkup
So Monday I went back to TTSH for the report. Had my blood taken again. Getting used to it somehow.
So my white blood cells is still higher than the norm... so is my lymphcites or whatever it is call. My lymph nodes figure is about 1000 higher than the norm of 1900...
My CT scan is out, lymph nodes swollen all over the body. Liver mildly enlarged. The rest are normal
I feel normal. Doc says that next medical appt will have a look at the bone marrow biopsy. Then she will send me to SGH Oncology team to decide what kinda treatment is suitable for me.
At times when i think about it, I really don't know at this point of time, how to plan for my future. With a medical condition, a lot of things are to be placed into consideration.
So confusing. i wish there are more support groups out there for young cancer patients like myself...
An article on Leukemia
Article on LeukemiaI was surfing Yahoo website when I saw this article. They are "introducing" leukemia in a large and general terms.
Mine is also listed there...
Monday the 13th
Next monday will be my next medical appointment.
That will also be the day I get my results for my bone marrow biopsy and CT scan.
2006 is such a terrible year...
Before 2006, I lead a normal life, a healthy girl who don't even fall sick easily.
2006 is going to be over soon and I do wish that in the year 2007, I will be healthier.
At least, not be receiving bad news again.
Let me be normal, like any 25 year old.
I want to be able to love someone as per normal, without having to think about the future of "what if".
Of "what if" I pass away before my time.
Of "what if" I leave my child behind.
Of "what if" I leave my partner behind.
Od "what if" I become a burden to my partner.
But...
That all seems like a dream now.
Such a simple wish, which is a natural course for all other 25 year olds, are a great dream for me.
Will I be able to find someone who can not only love me for who I am, but also accept and share my problem of my condition?
Ever since I knew about my condition, I had closed my heart to the word "relationship".
And ever since R, whom I thought is the closet to The One that I had ever met...
I was not able to see anyone as eligible again.
Now, I am contented just to be around my friends and enjoy everyone of their company. With 3 to 4 different group of friends, I am never lonely...yet perhaps, I might never be able to find the emotional relief that one can only find in a partner.
But it is okie, really. For everything comes with a price. I shoulder my own problems, and I do not have to bother about other external emotional stress that may be caused by a relationship, for example a break up. Or a break up caused by the inability to share my condition with me. That would hurt me more. So I rather not have anyone close to my heart in that manner.
Weird, huh?
Determined
I am determined to lead a normal life, regardless of what happened.
I am going to safe guard my current life with all that I have.
Which might also mean I might refuse chemo.
I have my reasons. I don't want to kill my body faster with chemo.
CT Scan
The liquid they asked you to drink before the scan...
Smells like licorice...
Taste like water with a lil sugar..
And the after taste is like cod liver oil.
I wanted to puke when I drank it.
And the needle insertion in the vein to input the medicine...
CT scan sucks.
Bone Marrow Biopsy
My biopsy was supposed to be at 8am, so I woke up at 6.15am and reached there at 7am... Only to wait and wait cos the doctor is late. He arrived at about 8.45am.
I was very scared...maybe cos Dan told me that even though it is local anesthesia, there's one part the anesthetic can't reach and it will be painful. So when the doc came with a pen and mark the area where he wanted to punch a hole to take out some of the bone marrow tissue, I jerked when he drew a marking on me. I was trembling out of fear so much. Then, he dotted my skin with so much strength, it hurts very much.
I was thinking to myself, "if just that marking using that pen hurts so much, the biopsy must be worse..."
Then I was gripped with fear and I started crying. I cried and I shaked and trembled with fear. The doc thought I was not going to make it and he asked the nurse to hold me. So there I was, the nurse was holding me down like some mental patient, and I was holding on to her hand tightly cos I was freaking out. They poured some alcohol like thing on my skin...not too sure cos I can't see. I was shivering so much.
I started crying and crying non-stop cos I was thinking about why I have to go through all this and why I can't live normally like any normal 25 year old. I felt so sad about the situation I am in and just couldn't stop crying. I felt that life was really full of suffering...
The doc gave me a anesthetic jab. Hurts a little... then he poke something into my skin, near my hip bone area at my back...and after a while, start twisting the needle in (i supposed it is a needle). He was twisting it so violently that my whole body was shaking. Then really soon, it was done. It was not that painful, really. I think I was just too traumatized by the whole experience.
I didn't feel that traumatized for my last operation cos I was under general anesthesia. I was asleep, so I am not afraid. This time round I was wide awake to know the whole procedure... Freak out X 100 times.
So well, the doc asked me if it hurts, I shook my head. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would be...but I couldn't stop crying. I felt very depressed. Cried non stop for half an hour after the biopsy. Think my mum also felt sad seeing me like this. Just felt like crap lah, you know. Cos I just wanted to be a normal youngster leading lives like everyone else. Such a simple wish...might be denied forever...
T-T
But I think I've grown stronger through these experiences...
I remember when I was young, I'm always emotionally weaker than my best friends and rely on them a whole lot. When I was upset, I always run to them. Perhaps that is why one of them left. Perhaps she could not take this burden of me anymore... Maybe.
After all, she has her own worries to shoulder...much heavier than ours since she was embarking on a super tough journey of being a singer.
But I guess...after I started working, after that best friend left me...I grew stronger. I don't rely on people that much and emotionally, I am much more contained now.
In fact, I myself is pretty surprise by how composed I was when I knew about my condition. I teared. But that was all. I didn't go hysterical, nor did I cry out loud and went into depression.
Maybe I am just the kind of happy-go-lucky person that take one step at a time.
I enjoy my life by the moments...so after the biopsy, I am back to normal, playing my games and watching anime. :)
I have to be strong.
Stronger..for my sake, my family's sake...and all my friends who care about me.
Back home
Can't believe that 4 hours ago, I was in TTSH, having my biopsy.
I was scared stiff, shivering and trembling when in fact it is not that painful
Will update later.
Going to zzz for a while
10 hours more
To my biopsy.
Been scared and worried.
But I know I will be fine.
TTSH. 8am day surgery.
